thinking

So, I have been thinking.  This is ironic because the reason I'm starting this blog is because I recently started meditating at the San Francisco zen center. Clearly, I'm not doing such a good job with the whole meditation thing...
But really, I'm writing this because I'm working to put into my teaching the things that I'm learning at the zen center: seeing things just as they are, accepting that I can't control the universe, and seeing beauty in the chaos that is life. In theory, this is easy and kind of pretty. In reality, as an elementary school teacher, this is kind of tricky.
When I think of seeing things just as they are, it feels like I'm just accepting the status quo- and that feels like I'm failing my students. Yet, seeing my students as "status quo" is not seeing the great strengths that they bring to my classroom. In wanting to change or "improve" them, I am telling them that they are unacceptable, and that's just not true. So maybe seeing them just as they are actually isn't failing them, it's actualizing them, supporting them to become the fiery ball of life that they have burning inside of them (I'll explain the fiery ball of life thing another time).
Accepting that I can't control the universe is a little tricky to translate in to classroom management. I know my classroom runs better with systems and routines. I know there is more learning going on when we are under control. So how do I find a balance between accepting that I can't control them and knowing that they kind of need me to control them (or their behavior, at least)?
Finally: seeing beauty in the chaos that is life. This is really what I have been thinking about the most and why I chose the name "compassionate teacher" for this blog. By far, the most moving and powerful experience I have had in going to the zen center has been the experience of both being seen by others and actually seeing another person. Have you ever been truly listened to? Have you ever had that connection with someone in which you feel like they genuinely see and hear that really beautiful (and sometimes awful) part of you that you know really is you? Imagine if you could see your students, even just once, that way. What an amazing gift you would be giving to them if you could. So that's what I'm trying to do: be that teacher who sees her students as they are and in the process, encourages them to see themselves that way too. I guess that's what I'm calling compassion and I'm hoping to write about how to do that AND teach them everything they need to know in third grade (and also keep my sanity).
Of course, it's summer vacation so this is all so easy to talk about now.... It also means that my postings will probably be a lot about my zen practice over the summer, not so much in the classroom. But come August, well, we'll see how I do.
And, I've NEVER done a blog before so I'll be figuring out that this summer too. Today I think I've learned two things: this was too long of a post and, hmmm, am I writing for you who is reading or me who is writing?