With family... AFTER sesshin.

We are up early. We are attempting to go to Target BEFORE THE KIDS GET UP. As I am checking my email, my family is attempting to speak with me. Unlike yesterday when I was happy to listen, today I am annoyed. And, because I felt all good about being present for them yesterday, I am now annoyed that I am annoyed.

“How come I could be ‘present’ to my family yesterday but not today?”

“Because yesterday you had nothing to do- you were just hanging out and everything was taken care of.  All you had to do was hang out. Now you have to..." and I look at the screen in front of me: check email.

"Check email? Really? Do you really have to check your email, right now, while your family is trying to talk to you?”

I turn away from the computer and listen. We finish talking. I go back to my email. I check the time. We should leave in ten minutes. I check my other email accounts. We should leave in 5 minutes. I consider going on facebook, instead I click off of the internet.

My family is now also on the internet. I look at the time. We had decided that we would leave now.  I consider telling this to my family. But then I think, “We decided on this time because we wanted to get to Target and back before the kids got up. The kids are still asleep. If we leave five minutes later than we had agreed upon, we will probably still get back before the kids get up.”

I sit down next to my family. My family is researching census data, trying to find the page with our mother’s home address. I look at the clock. We are five minutes late. I remember that our other family member said they might meet us at Target. I consider saying this but don’t want to interrupt the progress through the pages. I think, “This is just you- you’re totally a clock person. Time is arbitrary, you’re still going to get to Target before the kids get up.” But then I remember the person in front of me who is totally not a clock person and who has actually expressed their gratitude to me when I have kept them on schedule.

“I am aware of the time,” I say, and then I laugh at myself. I’m saying this phrase as a way to point out that we’re late but I’m also, literally, telling this person my ‘shape.’ I am saying, “I’m a total clock person and it’s driving me crazy that we’re late and what I really want to say is ‘We need to go! He might be waiting for us and… we’re LATE!’ but instead I am saying: I am aware of the time.

 And I’m saying this because I’m trying this out, this knowing my shape, knowing the shape of my family, and trying to find my place in our togetherness in a way that allows us both to feel whole and loved.

“I know, I know,” is the response, and I feel better.

 But then my family continues to scroll through pages. I think, “Why aren’t we stopping? Why are we still going” and I remember: because we are not a clock person. I take a deep breath and continue to watch. We get closer to the address and now I am interested and I agree, just one more page. And then I think, “Oh no, I’ve encouraged this! Now we’re never going to get to Target and back before they wake up.”

I look at the clock again. I imagine our other family member waiting outside Target I say, “He said he might meet us at Target.”

“Oh, you’re right, we should go!” and so we go.

We were late, 20 minutes late. But it turned out that REI didn’t open until 10 so if we had been on time for Target we couldn’t have gone to REI. So I guess it was good that we were ‘late’ but, that’s not really what this was about.

This was about how I feel: my shoulders are not hunched, I am not resentful, I have not made someone feel bad for ‘making us late,’ and I don’t feel like I missed something by getting to Target late. We did what we did, we came home, we had lunch, I made bread pudding and my niece helped me. I existed with my family. I didn’t think or try to change anyone or judge anyone. I didn’t get upset or sad or want to go away. I just existed- we just existed.