I had a weird experience this past week. I had attended the dharma talk at the zen center on Wednesday night and I had brought my bike in to the coat room because someone had tried to steal my bike seat while I was in class at the zen center the night before. As I wheeled my bike out of the coat room, I looked down the hallway that leads to the zendo and had this feeling that it was the last time I was going to see it. For some reason, I felt that when I left the zendo that night, I would be leaving for good.
Part of me thought I would be hit by a car riding home, part of me didn't know what was going to happen, but I definitely had a feeling that I would never see the zendo again, and that made me sad. I didn't want to say goodbye to the zendo, I didn't want to say goodbye to this life.
The feeling also made me kind of scared. Just that weekend, I had been telling my friend about how I had 'predicted' the '89 earth quake when I was on pain killers the weekend before the quake. She had joked that I shouldn't share any premonitions with her because apparently, they might be true. And there have been times when I have felt something before it happens. For about three weeks before I broke my teapot, I kept feeling like it was going to break. I have no idea if any of this is true but I know that it felt true enough that when I felt it in the zendo, I didn't want to leave.
It was interesting to be there, to have this feeling that if you left, you were walking toward your death. And it was funny to watch myself, because I refused to move. Part of me knew I was supposed to, that my death was inevitable and not moving wasn't going to keep it from happening, it would only delay it or mess it up or something, but most of me didn't care. Most of me just dug my heels in and refused to move.
After a while I said to myself, "It's just a feeling, it's not your death, you can leave now," and so I did. I was still a little scared walking out the door and I have to admit that I've been a lot more careful on my bike at intersections ever since. I don't want to die. I'm sure there will be a point in my life when I'm all, "Okay, I will die whenever I die, there's no point in fighting it, it's out of my hands," but I am definitely not there yet.
I understand your scared feelings. Entering into the unknown is very scary, and that's what death is, a huge unknown. We can also look at your feeling of death as a description for a big change and a new perspective. In the tarot deck when the death card comes up it doesn't necessarily mean that you or someone will die, but it can also forebear rebirth and renewal, a change in direction, or a different perspective. I had the most benign death dream when I had graduated from high school (huge change in life!) that felt very real and emotional while I was dreaming it, but once I told the story of the dream, it seemed silly to be so upset. The dream was I was walking along a path in a vast open field with mountains in the distance. While I was walking, people started coming out from across the field to walk along the path in the same direction as I was walking. The path became full of people walking forward, many of whom I didn't know, but some I recognized, and I started crying. I was crying because we were coming upon a huge gate or doorway along the path and I knew that once we walked through that door/gate we would be dead. I woke up just before crossing the threshold. I see that dream as more about a big change in my life and a new chapter of experience. Regardless of what your feeling means, I am glad to be with you and be your friend now, in this moment. :) Gassho!
ReplyDeleteThat's such a beautiful dream Lydia, thank you for sharing it. And thank you for suggesting that this isn't necessarily death with a big D. Thinking of it that way might help me to be willing to walk in to it the next time it comes up. With much gratitude...
Deletewow! that would be a weird feeling. just before i got in the bike accident i was joking around with my brother, that if it was up to Darwin i probably wouldn't still be alive, because most of the time my head is only half way screwed on. ;) . i definitley had a deep sense the bike accident would come, and i think in some ways these things are innevitable, so i wasn't not going to ride because of it. but thats great your being a little extra cautious, since you have that sixth sense at the moment!
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