How to NOT figure things out...

I like to 'figure things out.' I like things to have a system, a way, something I can follow or hold on to that gives me a framework for understanding things. Apparently, this is not conducive to zen practice, at least in my experience. I have found when I say things like "Oh, okay, so if I do it this way," I am met with a kind smile.
To me, this kind smile means, "Mmmm, not really. There's isn't really a way to do this."
This is really hard for me to accept. I don't know how to not have a way to do things. I don't understand how to "figure this out" without "figuring this out." I mean, what am I doing here if I'm not trying to learn, to understand, to follow the models of others around me and pattern myself after them? If I don't ask questions, if I don't notice, if I don't think about what I'm doing, how can I learn to be present, to even do any of this stuff?
This came up for me during sesshin. Immedately after the whole "Be Silent and Still" experience that I had, I felt like I had a deepened and true understanding of what needed to be done to really embody this practice. I honestly felt like I felt this practice, like I got it, without even trying.
But then, two days later after repeatedly coming back to 'be silent and still' I started to notice that I was using 'be silent and still' as a sort of catch all phrase, as a panacea, as some sort of rule, guideline, absolute truth and I thought. "Uhn unh, you know it doesn't work that way. This isn't your only answer and you know, all too well, that you're not even supposed to feel like this, like you've arrived, like you've got it. You haven't figured it out; this was a good teaching, but you can't cling to it."
And then, in dokusan, Paul actually said to me, "It isn't about figuring it out, Eli."
And I knew he was right, but I didn't know what to do about it. I honestly didn't know how to not figure things out. How do I not learn, how do I not think, how do I not try to deepen my understanding of things?
On the last day of sesshin, Victoria Austin was kind enough to meet with me for practice period discussion. I sat down in front of her and said, literally, "I need your help. I know I'm not supposed to figure things out but I don't know how to not figure things out."
She smiled and checked in with me about the kids in my classroom. She asked me what I did in certain situations with them. As we talked, I thought to myself about the fact that I often respond to things that happen in my classroom by figuring things out. I often try to determine the source of the problem and then base my response on what would best address the problem, what would prevent it from happening in the future.
So then she talked about how figuring things out can be a tool that we use to help us. But, well, it's not that it's a bad tool, it's just that it doesn't always work. We talked about the fact that there are situations in my classroom where, no matter how much I figure a kid out or think I know what needs to be done for them, it just doesn't work. Maybe they're not ready to learn, maybe I don't get it, whatever it is, there are times when you honestly can't figure it out. It's not bad practice, it's just not that effective because, well, the world, and people, and ourselves, we're not so figure-out-able.
And then she started talking about cupcakes. She said, "It would be like saying 'Okay, if twelve cupcakes take twenty minutes, then twenty-four cupcakes cupcakes would take forty..."
"No no no!" I said. "Bad cupcakes! Bad cupcakes!"
"Right," she said. "It's more like, 'Hmmm, it smells like chocolate. I think they might be done. I should check before they start to smell like charcoal."
And I smiled, because I kind of got it. It's okay for me to think about this, to try to understand this, I just need to know that it's not an answer, it's not a finish, it's ongoing and changing and there isn't a system to it. It's like a dynamic, and being aware and present to what comes up, being aware and present to yourself and how you respond, I guess that's living life, and that's all it is, and it keeps the cupcakes nice and moist.