Being honest in dokusan

I was still feeling unsettled about my whole dokusan realization that, basically, I was just looking for praise, acceptance, and a personal connection with a teacher when I went in to dokusan. I knew it was inappropriate to want these things, knew it didn't belong in zen practice, but still found myself feeling angry and hurt, and wanting to criticize the teacher instead of actually listening to what they had said to me in dokusan.
It had helped to write a blogpost about it, that was what made me see that the teacher's response to me was not a rejection of me but an appropriate response to someone asking a question about practice. They had actually answered my question and given me ideas to help me consider my relationship with control and acceptance.
But still, it kept coming up for me, so I decided to talk to my therapist about it. I figured that was the place to talk about personal connections and prasie and acceptance. In therapy, it actually could be all about me, not so much about practice, and I could do whatever I wanted in therapy- I didn't have to be present or just listen or sit zazen or anything, I could just blah blah blah the whole time.
So I told my therpaist all about it. And this is what she suggested:
"What would happen if you said to the teacher 'I'm looking for praise and acceptance from you.' What do you imagine their response would be?"
I looked at her wide eyed with the thought of actually saying that to the teacher. But then I thought about what they would say. "They would probably ask me a question that would help me to see my relationship with praise and acceptance."
"You mean they wouldn't hit a buzzer that said Anhh- you're out!"
I smiled. "No, they wouldn't."
"So they're not looking for you to get it right?" she asked.
"No," I answered. "They actually said to me in my first dokusan 'This practice is about being honest more than it is about getting it right."
"So they actually directed you to be honest."
"Yes," I answered.

But I was terrified to admit to the teacher that that was what I wanted. I was afraid that it would make me a bad student, that the teacher would find out that I was only here for personal connection, that I wasn't actually studying Buddhism like everyone else.
My therapist challenged me on this one. "Do you know what everyone else is doing? Are you so sure that no one else is here for personal connection too? Isn't the main tenet of Buddhism developing compassion for others? How can you develop compassion for others without having compassion for yourself? Isn't this mostly about personal connection? You might even find that the teacher came to this practice looking for acceptance themselves."

I thought some more about my desire to be a good student, how though part of me did want to have personal connection; there was also a really big part of me who wanted to hear that I was a good student, who wanted praise and acceptance around my understanding of this practice, who envisioned the teacher with their arm around me smiling at how well I had put into practice the teachings that they had shared with me.
"Oh shoot," I realized. "I don't actually want to be a good student, I just want a personal connection with a teacher and I know that the appropriate way to have that is to be a student of theirs. Darnit! Even my wanting to be a student isn't real- it's just a backdoor to intimacy. Darnit!"

And that's when I realized there was no escaping it. It was true, even if it was wrong, it was what I wanted from zen practice. I wanted praise and acceptance and personal connection. I could lie about it and pretend that that wasn't what I wanted but that would be silly and dishonest and not helpful to anyone involved.
Instead, I could be aware of it, accept that this is why I came to the zen center, that this is what I want, as scary as it is to admit it.

Now, I'm not going in to my next dokusan and sitting down and saying "Um, I have to admit to you that what I want from you is praise and acceptance." Or maybe I will. I don't really know. What I do know is that I'm just supposed to be honest about this, be willing to sit in front of the teacher and say "This is what's coming up for me. I'm terrified that you will reject me for sharing that with you but I'm trying to be honest so there it is," and then be quiet, and listen.