Holding out for another reality

It turns out
that I am holding out
for a different reality.
For some reason,
I think I can change mine.

And I think I can change it
by refusing
to see it.

I
am a 42 year old woman.
My mother
died when I was six.

But I don't want to accept that.
I want to have a mother.
I want to have had a mother
want to have grown up with one.

And so I am staying at six.
Refusing to see my grown up self

Because my grown up self
is a 42 year old woman
without a mother.

Funny that I
am holding out.
Waiting
staying
at 6
Genuinely believing that if I stay there
She will suddenly appear
and I will live a life
with her.

But it's what I am doing
It's why I am afraid
to be
myself

Because myself
is without
her.
You cannot be a daughter
if you are older
than your mother.
Grown women don't get
to be little girls
with mothers.
And apparently
that's what I want.

I know.
She will not come back
by my refusing to embody
this 42 year old woman
And I know
that this is who I am

But I also know
that this is what I'm doing

Holding out
for a reality
that is different
than mine.