Unconditional Love

It occurred to me tonight, during zazen, that if I want unconditional love- and I do- I'm the only one who can give it to me and...that I am capable of it.

For the longest time, I have wanted unconditional love. I originally wanted it in a romantic partner- thought that I would find someone who would love me despite- no, actually, not even despite, because of, all my faults. I thought that I would find someone who would look on the things that weren't so great about me with affection and fondness. I wanted them to be someone who I could come home to, after a long day at work, and just melt into, just be loved by, be fully accepted, safe, and immediately freed from all that went wrong that day.
I remember sharing this with a friend once and having him say to me, "I wish I could be that for you but I can't." And I remember thinking in that interchange that probably, no one could- that that's not what romantic partners were for, and that what I really was looking for, was a mother.
And over time I have come to discover that, in fact, that is what I have wanted: a mother. I have wanted to go back in time, be a little girl, be loved, unconditionally by her mother, her whole life. I have wanted to relive my childhood with my mom in it- have her there for all those times when I was sad, lonely, feeling down- wanting to be able to just give in and be held.

But tonight I realized that I am the only one capable of doing this: of seeing me, all of me, and accepting me. It isn't going to come from my mom- she is dead. It isn't going to come from another person- they can't possibly know me enough to actually see me, just as I am. It has to come from me, and... I am capable of doing it.
I am actually capable of seeing myself without judgment. I can actually look upon my actions as "just this" and "look at you now," I can do that, I have done it, both for myself and for others. And honestly, I really am the only one who can do this. Anyone else's love for me is going to come through my doubt, my disbelief that someone would find value in me, my fear that it won't last. But unconditional love of myself, by myself, is totally dependent upon me. I can regulate it, be aware of it, cultivate it, because it's coming from me.

Part of me is annoyed by this- that it is so simple, that it has been here all along, that the love that I so desperately wanted was right there, in me. Part of me is also sad and angry- sad that I don't get to be loved unconditionally by another and angry that I'm the one that has to do it.

But mostly I see that this is possible.

I was beginning to wonder if I would "find love." I was beginning to wonder if I would die alone, if I would be that person who "found love" in her practice, in the children in her classroom, in her passion for teaching, in her love for the children of her friends and family.
I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to be like everyone else- have a life partner, have someone to grow old and die with. And I was beginning to feel like I needed to get cracking on this, that I needed to make this a priority in my life, afraid that if I didn't, I would die alone without ever having loved and that would be my life's regret.

But now I see that it's right here. The unconditional love that I long for is right here, in me, I just have to do it. I can totally accept myself. I can see my failures as heroic attempts to help others. I can see my annoying traits as annoying traits. I can see my aversions and propensities as aversions and propensities. I can experience this- this freedom from judgment, this acceptance, these arms of compassion and love- by my own actions, thoughts, and response to myself. I can actually experience unconditional love of myself, by myself, by simply seeing myself just as I am.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy or that it will be fixed. I'm not saying it's going to replace having a life partner. All I'm saying is that the only person who actually can love me unconditionally is me. So it's here, right here, I can experience that love every moment that I choose to and, honestly, it is the only way that I actually will experience it.