A friend's death

It is difficult to deny
your friend's death
when you are trying to decide what to wear
to her memorial ceremony.

When you are aware that on this day
Mother's Day
her husband and son
are doing something
and you wonder
what that something may be.

When last week
on her son's seventh birthday
you considered that it would be his first birthday
without her.

You wondered
if he asked
Where is she? Why isn't she here?
And you cried at the bravery
the tenderness
the absolute vulnerability
of his father's response.

Yet
Nothing has changed.

Her email is still in your inbox,
Her address pops up when you type the letter J.

The last time you saw her
is still the last time you saw her
and she was walking
and you were talking
about things like this
about how it would be
without her.

You knew it was coming
just not when it would come.

Tomorrow should be interesting.
She will not be there.
The first of your encounters
without her
her own memorial ceremony
without her
the celebration of her life
your first acknowledgement
of her death.