Today was the first day of the Fall Practice Period at zen center. I'm doing it on my own: sitting twice a day, taking a class on Thursday nights with Paul (the abbot), and I just finished my first One Day Sit. I haven't decided yet whether or not I'll sign up for the other one day sits, we'll see how things go as the dates for them get closer. The people who actually have signed up for the practice period had an opening ceremony tonight and were asked to share their intention for the period. My intention is: let go.
I'm going to try to let go of my notions about "good behavior," about lessons only being successful if everyone gets the concept immediately, and about the idea that mastering the standards is the most important thing we do each day.
So, how was the One Day Sit?
Well, I'm going to go with Paul on this one. He said a couple of things today that help me frame my day. He said that most times, at the end of a one day sit, something will have loosened or settled or at least opened up (I'm paraphrasing). That was true for me today and is why I chose "let go" as my intention for the period.
He also talked about something that's a little more complicated. Here's the deal (or my interpretation of it):
You know how when you step back from a situation or reflect on it you can often see it much more clearly, see it for what it is instead of getting all caught up in it? That feels kind of good and most of us want that experience all the time. The problem is that we do this SECONDARILY.
About 90 percent of the time, the FIRST experience we have with reality is often to perceive it through the somewhat muddy lens of our histories, thoughts, expectations, etc.
The trick is to develop the habit of seeing the world as it is right as you're seeing the world as it is, not later when you have a chance to reflect on it. Meditation, sitting zazen, knowing yourself and your habits, taking a breath when you feel those thoughts coming in, all of this helps you to have that clarity AS YOU EXPERIENCE your life.
So, I'm attempting to see today's One Day Sit for what it was: A day of me experiencing what came my way.
Here's what came my way: thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. I think that if I counted my breaths today I'd probably total about 12 (and yes, that's the total for all, I think, 9 zazen sessions I sat today...)
Here's what else came my way. I actually experienced bowing, like, I was laying on the ground, physically giving in (the same way I've been trying to do mentally).
I noticed that when we chant in English without a drum it seems like people are asserting their own emphasis or interpretation of the chant, putting their selves in it. When we chant with the drum, we're all together and it sounds way better. This is a change for me. I've been struggling with chanting to a drum, it always felt like I was being a mindless drone. I'm starting to see the idea behind it.
The forms of oryoki are starting to make sense to me but I still can't figure out if I'm supposed to be present for my food or efficient in eating it.
No one cares that I make mistakes and everyone wants to help (seems like I'm going to keep learning this lesson over and over again).
And finally: You get out of a One Day Sit what you put into it. In terms of zazen, I did not put much in to it. I don't know why I had such a hard time focusing on my breath and not getting carried away with my thoughts. It was definitely for lack of effort, I just don't why I couldn't maintain my effort. But that's what happened today, I mostly just thought. Some of the thoughts were beneficial, others were just grocery lists and plans.
When I did put in effort, it was pretty sweet. I was present when I ate a cookie in the afternoon and I could actually taste the sugar in it. I'm going to try to be present for my snack at school each day. I'm going to take that time to slow down again so that when the kids come back in from recess I'm as clear as I am when they first come in in the morning.
I'm also going to try to "know less." I realize that as I've spent more time with the kids, I've decided that I "know" them and I've been interpreting their behaviors through my lens of them instead of seeing them for what they are in that moment. I had set this intention way back at the beginning of the blog and I seem to have lost sight of that. My intent in the next 90 days is to maintain that clarity of thought of the situation. I'm going to try to "let go" both of my desire to make things turn out a certain way each day in class and to let go of my perception of the kids. I need to experience each moment with them for what it is.
Just, one more interesting thing. The first two things I did when I got back from the One Day Sit were: eat a decadent brownie and "get something done." This was kind of a bummer for me, that my response to being present all day was to try to catch up on work that I hadn't done and to "indulge" in sweets. Oh well, we're "perfect as we are and we can all use some improvement" eh?
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