Still in the gaitan

The title of this post is referring to the fact that when I first started meditating at city center, I meditated in the gaitan (the hallway outside the zendo) instead of the zendo. I did this for three months before finally entering the zendo, and only then went into the zendo to prove someone wrong. Once I did go in to the zendo, however, things were fine and all the stuff that I had made up about the zendo basically just dropped away.
Lately I have been noticing that in some ways, I am still in the gaitan, although it feels more like I'm sitting on the brick steps that lead up to the door of the zen center. I know that I'm the one sitting out there- that no one has sent me out there and that all I need to do is open the door and walk in.
But I just can't seem to do it.
A couple of weeks ago, I actually did step inside. Well, it wasn't so much a step as it was a desperate pulling open of the door, a rush inside, and an immediate sitting down, just inside the door. It was kind of like when it suddenly starts pouring rain and, caught without an umbrella, you step inside the nearest building for shelter: it's not so much that you chose that building, it's more that you needed refuge from the storm.
I had been struggling with some stuff, feeling confused about how to deal with people, how to change the habits that felt so ingrained in me. I went to Young Urban Zen, not with the intention of dealing with this stuff, but just because it was Monday night and that's when we meet. That evening, we studied a reading that talked about emotions: being present to them, noticing them as they are, feeling them without all of the baggage that our thoughts can add to them. I felt genuinely confused about the teaching- wondering how to understand the difference between those emotions that were kind of natural, that were actual responses to the moment and those other emotions that felt like real emotions but were just habits that I fall into. So, I asked the group, "How do you know when it's one or the other?"
And it was amazing: no one taught me about the difference, no one said "you should do this" or "this is how we deal with that," they just shared their experience and their wisdom. They just said "I have found that..." or "Yeah, that happens to me too and when it does I..." And being in this room with all these people who are living this life, who deal with emotions and with people, I felt so incredibly grateful that I have this resource, that I have this place. But I also realized that I need this; that for reasons that I don't really need to get in to, I don't have a whole lot of experience with emotions and I need some help around this. If the zen center is what helps me with it, then I just need to walk in and let it help me.