And now it's only me (part 4)

I have to admit that even though I really didn't want to have a memorial for my mom in the zendo, it was really easy to write the email requesting that I have a memorial for my mom in the zendo. I knew the date fell during interim, I knew they couldn't have a service for her on that day, so there was no problem asking for it, I knew they'd say no.
But here's the funny thing. As soon as I wrote the email, requesting this thing that I honestly didn't want and was only doing because I knew I was supposed to, I found myself checking my email a bunch of times each day. It was like I wanted this interaction to happen, I actually wanted someone to know that I was requesting a memorial for my mom. I don't think I wanted the memorial per se, but I watched myself eagerly awaiting the response of someone acknowledging that I was going through this- even if it was just to say that it couldn't happen.
But that wasn't the email that I got. Instead, I got an email saying they could do a service for my mom on Friday and asking if that would work for me. I was pretty surprised by this: they were going to have a special service during interim just for my mom? But then I got a second email, clarifying that the memorial would be this Friday.
I responded as quickly as I could, because it was so nice of them to do it on the day that wasn't actually the anniversary of my mom's death. But then, all of a sudden, I was having a memorial service for my mom, in the zendo.
And I am. I'm having a memorial service for my mom, in the zendo. In the email I asked them to let me know if I needed to do anything for the service or if I should just 'show up.' Part of me knows the answer to this question already: all I need to do is just show up.
But then I pictured myself, just showing up. I pictured myself, standing in front of Blanche's zafu, while someone chanted something. I knew that I was going to have to walk up to the altar and I knew I was going to have to do that all by myself. I knew that it was just going to be me in the zendo, that my mom wouldn't be there, and that maybe I would have to say something, maybe I wouldn't, but still, it was just me. This memorial service is actually for me.