Seeing the rules as they are

I’m having a really interesting relationship with the kids and rules this year. It seems to be manifesting itself in three ways: 1) I’m much more honest with the kids about the reasons behind the rules 2) I’m much more reflective with myself about the reasons behind the rules and, because of this, am more willing to let go of any rules that I see are designed more for my own sense of control than for any educational purpose and 3) When the kids break the rules, I’m not taking it personally or as a predictor of their future behavior. I see it for what it is: an oversight, a forgetfulness, a focus on a friend instead of a rule. It just happens, I respond to it, and we move on.

On the first day of school, I gave the kids folders and notebooks to use in class and for their homework. A few of them asked if they could use their folders or notebooks that they had brought that day. My initial response was “No, you must use the ones that I give you.” Then I watched them sadly put away the notebooks and folders that I’m pretty sure they had excitedly picked out during their “back to school” shopping trips that weekend.

After school, I thought about my rule. “Why do they all need to have the same notebook? Would it really matter if they used a different notebook?” And the answer was “No, it doesn’t matter what notebook they use, they just need a notebook.” Then I thought about their homework folder. The one that I give them has a middle insert and I use this for their reading log, their cursive models, and their calendar/ behavior chart. I also buy bright red ones so that I can tell the parents that if they ever need to find their kid’s homework, look for the bright red plastic folder in their backpack. “Okay,” I thought.  “They do need to use this homework folder, there’s a reason for that, it’s not about my need for control.”

So, the next morning, I told the kids this. I said, “I thought about my rules and this is why I have them (and I explained). So, you can totally use your own notebook and you can use your own folder for your cubby but I’d like you to use our class homework folder for your homework. It has specific things in it that the folders that you brought from home don’t have.” And that was all- I didn’t make a deal with them or tell them that I was compromising because they had asked, I was just honest with them about the point of the rule and how I had changed my rules in response.  

After recess this past week, my kids were lined up outside and talking, talking, talking. I didn’t make them be quiet, because we were outside, so we didn’t need to be. But I was pretty sure that as soon as we got in the building, we would have to wait, a really long time, for them to stop talking. And I considered warning them: “if you guys talk this much, we’re going to have to change the rule about being able to talk when we’re outside….” But I decided to wait and see, instead of forewarning them or reminding them that we needed to be quiet once we got in to the building.

As soon as we got to the door of the building, I put up my signal for quiet, and they all stopped talking, immediately. So we walked in, right away. They walked up to the classroom (there was some talking here and there) in no time at all. I thought to myself “What’s your point in having them be quiet in line?” My answer: “So they don’t disturb others and they get back to the classroom quickly instead of getting distracted from walking because they’re talking to each other.”

So I told them, “You know what? I totally thought you guys were going to keep talking when we got in the building but you didn’t, and we got up here really fast. So I don’t need you to be quiet outside, you’re capable of talking and then being quiet when we come in.  So go right ahead and talk in line when we’re outside.”

I get that I’ve been training them to be quiet when they enter the building and so that’s why they were able to get quiet so quickly. But I also see that I don’t need to make up rules to prevent something that I think is going to happen. In this case, I just watched them and it turns out that I didn’t have to make up a new rule. And maybe this will change, maybe they won’t be quiet next time, but I’ll watch that too, and keep sticking to the point of the rule, not the prevention of breaking it.

We have a rule about walking to recess. I give them five minutes to get down there. If they get there before then, they get the extra time that they saved to have “choice time” on Friday. Anytime someone talks in line, we stop. We don’t start walking again until it’s quiet. In the meantime, that timer keeps going, so they’re very motivated to be quiet and to move quickly through the hallways.

The kids have been pretty good about this but on Thursday, my class basically sprinted past the principal in the hallway. She immediately stopped them and pointed to the ‘Hallway Expectations’ poster. “Class? What’s our first hallway expectation?” I was standing at the back of the line which was, at that point, still walking out of our classroom door. I could vaguely hear them respond: “Walk at all times.” I’m sure she then said something to the effect of “I expect you to follow the hallway expectations at all times.” I just kept walking with the rest of the class until we caught up with the front of the line. I walked past the principal somewhat sheepishly but also somewhat cheekily, like “Oh, those third graders.”

But I was kind of embarrassed. I felt like she thought my class was out of control, that I hadn’t trained them enough, that they were running willy-nilly through the hallways, doing whatever they wanted.  So immediately after that, I totally started getting on my kids about walking in the hallway. I made sure we stayed together, I talked about the difference between normal walking and speed walking, I even started to get mad at them for how quickly they were going to recess.

I thought for a second about this. “You think they’re being out of control or are defying the rules but that’s not it.  They’re only walking quickly because they want to get to recess. They’re not out of control, they’re not not following your rules or running willy-nilly through the hallway. In fact, they’re actually doing what you’ve trained them to do: get to recess quickly. This speed only became a problem when you get embarrassed by what you think the principal thinks of you.”

And so I backed off with the whole “You..must..walk…at..all..times…” control thing. It wasn’t about them being bad, it was about recess and, to be honest, it really was about them doing what I had trained them to do- get there quickly. So I explained to them, “We want to get to recess quickly but we have to stay together. Also, we can’t run, we have to walk.” So we’re learning this, but I’m not taking it so defensively and I’m not getting mad at them for it.