I was jiko tonight. At the end of zazen, I heard someone close the doshi door and I thought it was a little strange. I wondered if we were having a special ceremony or if some gong was going to be gonged and that that was why they had closed the door. But then zazen ended, and the bell rang in the zendo, but then also, a gong gonged outside.
"Huh." I thought, "I wonder which one is in charge- the gong outside the zendo or the little bell inside the zendo." I looked around- no one seemed to be preparing for anything special and no one had said anything about a ceremony, so I decided that things were normal. And then I realized that if things were normal, I needed to hurry up and get to the altar so that I could light the incense for service.
When I got to the altar, there wasn't a stick of incense resting on the edge of the altar like normal. I glanced at the ino for direction but couldn't make eye contact. So, I decided that the person who had closed the doshi door didn't have time to put out the incense and decided that I should just grab a stick myself. I picked one up, looked over at the ino again, thought I saw a nod, and so lit the incense. Then I stood there, watched the doshi from the corner of my eye, and bowed when he bowed.
Someone must have left the zendo at that point because I heard the ino say "Please wait for the doshi to exit before you leave." When I heard that, I figured we were back on track and everything was normal. But then the ino approached the altar, said "Special ceremony" and motioned to the doshi that he could exit.
I watched as the doshi walked toward the doshi door and wondered what to do. He was leaving. I was supposed to follow him. But I had a stick of incense in my hands, and it was lit. I couldn't put it down, I didn't know where to put it down. I briefly considered placing it next to the one that was already in the altar but that seemed like I was just putting down incense and it felt like putting down incense was just something you didn't do. I watched as the doshi approached the doshi door. He looked over his shoulder at me, as if to wonder when I was coming. So then I decided that we were still in our roles as doshi and jiko- that I should still be holding the incense and he would still be bowing at an altar, but that the altar was someplace else.
I quickly followed him out of the zendo, up the stairs, laughing at myself for carrying the stick of incense back out of the zendo. Then we got to the top of the stairs and he bowed to me, like we always do when service is over, and I was stuck. Clearly, our job together was over: he had bowed to me, there wasn't going to be another altar. But here I was, with this stick of incense, and nowhere to put it. I laughed again, stood as far back against the wall as I could, and waited for the ino. I watched as people filed past me and walked into the courtyard for the Spring Equinox Ceremony.
"Oh," I thought. "That's what's going on." But then someone approached me and asked if the doshi was going to be doshi for this ceremony and explained that there was special incense for the ceremony.
"I have no idea," I explained. "I'm just holding this incense because I don't know where else to put it."
She went back to what she was doing and I stood back against the wall.
Finally, I saw the ino pass by and asked what to do with the incense. She kindly told me how to take care of it, even took the time to explicitly show me where to put it, then bowed to me and went off to take care of the Spring Equinox Ceremony. After all that I was ready to go home. So I headed down to the coat room, got my stuff, and walked out to my bike.
As I was unlocking my bike, I heard the gong for the ceremony and said to myself, "Okay, so when you hear a gong and a bell in the zendo, it means there's a special ceremony. Wait, and follow the ino's lead for what to do. And if you get to the altar, and there's no incense, don't light a new one. Definitely do not light incense if no one has put any there for you. I'm not quite sure what you should do instead, but I know for sure that you should not light incense."
And then I stopped.
"No you don't." I said. "You don't know what's going to happen next time: you don't know who's going to be doshi, you don't know if someone is going to forget to put out incense for you. The next special ceremony might even take place inside the zendo, and then maybe you should light incense and wait for the doshi.
You experienced what just happened now, and you have an idea of how things might happen the next time, but you know...nothing."
"And now..." I laughed (at myself, at the experience, at the futility) ".. you know nothing."
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