Maybe it's just suffering

Maybe it's just suffering

Is it loneliness?
I asked.
This feeling.
Am I just
lonely,
in need of a friend,
of company?
Or am I just tired,
it's been a long week.
I've stayed up late
eaten things I shouldn't have
enjoyed them then
and am experiencing their ramifications now.

But that isn't it.
It isn't one thing.
I can't pinpoint
this quilt
of sadness
loss of place
lack of belonging.
There isn't something
that brought it on.
It isn't something
I need to face
it isn't caused.

And I fear
it isn't
fixable
or even
something I can experience
embrace
work through.

I am scared
that this just is
this is experiencing life
life is
this.
unknowable
unconditioned
not a cause effect relationship,
not an
if I do this
that will happen,
or this is
because.
just
is
now.

uncertain
yet
with no future
what is it
I am uncertain of?

now
I suppose now
is where
I can look
for peace?
choosing to let go the avoidance
accept the experience
that now
is this
and this now
is suffering
and this
is life.