Compassion, not fear or embarrassment

 Today was a five cookie day. That’s not a good thing. It means that instead of eating my oranges and banana at lunch, I ate cookies, a lot of them, in an attempt to make myself feel better.

The morning was great. I was attentive to the kids, gave them feedback on their behavior in a way that didn’t feel manipulative, and they totally responded in kind. I even realized that I made up a rule just to save time, but in the end that rule kept kids from participating and having the opportunity to learn. One of the kids asked me about why we had the rule and I was totally honest with him and said that I was thinking about that rule too, and thought that maybe we should change it.  

Everyone worked in their math journal, when we needed extra time the early finishers did “challenge math” so that I was able to help others, and no one got upset because they had to wait for me to help them. We even corrected our math journals and literally celebrated the mistakes we made. Seriously, I danced every time someone made a mistake, the kids were calling out the mistakes they made and one kid even came up to me and said “I almost ran into the screen. I just thought you would want to know that I made a mistake.” And then we all did a little dance for him. They got through 25 spelling words for their spelling test and totally used the hand signals I taught them for “repeat the word” and “slow down.” Then they did what they always do which is to generalize the hand signals to our other lessons. I love this little thing about them- it makes me so happy that when I’m teaching some concept, they put up the hand signal for "s" to let me know that I’m teaching too fast for them.

But then things started to fall apart. We did our self portraits, which I thought was a good mellow activity for after the spelling test. I let them talk but then they started “goofing around.” They played with the mirrors I gave them, they argued over colored pencils, and a few of them just chatted away instead of coloring. The ones who did want to get their work done were annoyed by the ones who didn’t and so they complained. I called over the culprits but it was only a temporary fix. There are just some really playful kids and some serious kids and they don’t seem to want to mix.

Writing about it now I realize that they were just being third graders but at the time, I felt like they weren’t “getting things done” (something that I know is one of my fears and I should have paid attention to that) and I’m disappointed in the way I responded to them. I immediately tried to control them by giving them direct orders: “Stop playing with the mirror.”  “You may not talk.” And then we did a Science lesson which I truncated because we were running out of time and then when it was time to line up I kind of pointed out how horribly they were doing instead of asking them to reflect on their own behavior. After lunch was just as frustrating but I realize now that it’s because I was asking them to do a bunch of new tasks without even having taught them how to do them. In one lesson, they got new books, new journals, did a mini KWL chart, and then had to write about what they learned about the sun. They weren’t as engaged in the lesson as I thought and I started to threaten and change cards.

I guess that a lot of today was about my expectations of them and them not meeting them. After yesterday, I had this “mission” to really focus back on teaching, to really have the class be “back in order” and when they weren’t like that, I started freaking out. Instead of seeing what was actually going on: possible boredom at making their self portraits, confusion about new tasks (writing in journal, following along during read aloud, read aloud from Science book), I interpreted their behaviors through my own fears. 

I think I just need to remember that this is about me being present to them (and myself) and responding to them with compassion. I realized this morning, when they were talking in line, that I can give them feedback on their behavior without instilling fear in them. In the past when kids would break rules that I knew they understood, I’d look at them like they were crazy, and they’d get embarrassed and do what they were supposed to. But I can just as easily look at them with sweetness, with understanding, and they usually get the point. I can see their misbehaviors for what they are most of the time: kids being kids. Rules that are so important to me aren’t that important to them and they need reminders, not embarrassment or fear.  

Z: Keep your enemy (reality) close

 I mentioned in an earlier post that delusions had been kicking my butt lately. I also mentioned that I didn’t like it when reality came crashing down on me. Today I found an antidote for this: embrace reality. Well, maybe that’s going a little far. You don’t have to embrace reality, but you can be present for it. Here’s why: when you are present for the world around you, when you experience it just as it is, it can’t actually kick your butt and it can’t sneak up on you either. Reality can’t sneak up on you if you’re right there with it, ha ha ha! It can kick your butt, that’s true, but if you’re present for the butt kicking, you see that the butt kicking is coming from you. So, you can take a deep breath and step away from the foot.

Today I was present for my life for a full two hours. The best thing about it was that at the end of the two hours, I knew that it was real, that I had experienced it. I didn’t have to worry about it showing up later to shatter my delusions or to have some part that I wasn’t present for sneak up on me later. I know, two hours isn’t much but it was so incredibly reassuring to know that it couldn’t come back to haunt me later.

Here’s how it worked. I showed up for an event and got nervous about being there too early. Then I was present to my fears about being late, took a deep breath, acknowledged my issues around time, and focused on the event instead. Fancy that, my fears about being early went away. A couple of times during the lecture I worried about who was there, whether or not I fit in, and whether or not the speaker was noticing me. Each time I said, “Yep, that’s you. You think about these things. Those are thoughts.” And each time, I took a breath and focused on what was in front of me: the present. And again, those thoughts went away.

I went to another event, got nervous about intimacy, seriously considered leaving but then said, “These are your issues, you are suffering, don’t run away from it, stay present with it.” So I stayed, and it was totally fine: awkward and nervous at first but really sweet and informative by the end. Yep, a couple more things came up for me and I acknowledged them and actually learned a new thing about myself by experiencing something instead of getting mad at myself for it.

The only time I wasn’t present was when I went along with some stupid delusion I had of not attending an event so that I wouldn’t feel rejected. Earlier in the week I had decided that I could control others rejecting me by not attending an event in which they could reject me. Guess what happened? I got invited to the event. Had I been present to the moment, I would have said “Cool, let’s go!” Instead, I stuck with my delusion and went home instead. Basically, my delusions lead me to reject myself- lame! Okay, sorry, not supposed to judge. Anyway, up until then, I had been present. It wasn’t perfect or happy or euphoric, it just was. But at least it was, and I was with it.

Hope that helps…  

z: The more I meditate, the more thoughts I have , not less...

I don’t actually know why this happens, but here’s my theory: it’s like buying a car. When you first start shopping for a car, you check out all makes and models. After a while you narrow it down to, maybe, two or three cars that you’re thinking about and then, finally, you decide on one. The second you actually buy that car, two things happen:

1. Suddenly, you see all the cars that you didn’t buy and totally regret buying the one you did.

2. You see the car that you bought everywhere and/ or you see new cars everywhere: suddenly everyone seems to have bought your same car!

Now, obviously, there isn’t an upsurge in the presence of your car or any other car on the road after you buy your car. So why does it seem like they’re everywhere? Because you’re suddenly paying attention to cars, noticing them, becoming aware of different makes and models. So, when you first start meditating why does it feel like you have more thoughts instead of less? Because you’re starting to notice your thoughts. This is a good thing (I know I know, there’s no good or bad, no “goal”, no progress, sorry about that). Your thoughts have always been there, you just thought they were reality, you thought they were you, they were such a part of your everyday existence that you didn’t see them. But now you’re trying to pay attention to them, you’re actually seeing them and they feel like they’re everywhere! They are, always have been, it’s just that you didn’t see them before. So, I guess, don’t feel so frustrated by yourself for “not making progress” even though you’re trying really hard to meditate. The fact that you’re suddenly having a million thoughts probably means that you’re actually awakening to your thoughts and that’s kind of what this is all about.

Honeymoon's over...

 Reflecting on how things went today, I think I might have been confusing compassion with passivity. The kids weren’t bad today, they were eight year olds. They talked to each other in class, talked to each other in line, talked to each other while they got their snacks, but they also talked to each other while I was teaching. Yesterday, only two or three of them were doing this and instead of “calling them out” (saying their name from across the room to remind them to pay attention), I simply noted in my head who would need a little coaching around paying attention. But today, everyone was doing it.

The good news is, I didn’t take it personally, didn’t get upset, didn’t even THINK about raising my voice. It was totally fine. The bad news is, I’m not quite sure what to do about it. I know how to stop it and I did stop it a couple of times today: I gave positive verbal praise to those who were paying attention, I gave table points, I gave class “compliments,” I stood near those who were talking, and, I actually did “call out” a couple of students. But it felt weird, especially the “calling out” part. It also feels weird “modifying their behavior.”

But at the same time, I’m their teacher and they actually need to learn how to pay attention. It’s a huge part of what I teach in third grade. And in the past, this was fine. I held really high standards about their classroom behavior. I expected them to have their eyes on me most of the time, to be thinking about what I was saying, and to be participating in the lesson. If they didn’t, I’d stop teaching until I had their attention. And man did they pay attention and man did they learn. And for the most part everyone learned. Kids who might have just kind of “hung out” in the past couldn’t anymore and, low and behold, it turns out that they can learn just as well as anyone else in the room. So, what’s not compassionate about that?

I guess I feel like I was focusing on just “letting things happen.” Maybe I was more focused on my response to the situation than I was on the actual work of teaching. I mean, just because I’m learning for myself how to respond instead of react to them doesn’t mean I give up all those things that teachers need to do to create a classroom full of learners. I still need to teach them routines and behaviors in the same way that I teach them third grade content. It’s just how I’m teaching it that needs to be changed, I think. Or at least how I respond to them when they don’t do it.

I’ve had a few parents in the past tell me that their kids were super worried about not turning in their homework or completing an assignment- that they so wanted to please me. When I heard this, I didn’t take it as a compliment (though I think the parents saw it as a sign of how much their kids liked me). I knew the kids loved me but I also had a sinking suspicion that these kids had seen my reaction when others kids had misbehaved (yes, I have yelled in the past) and were afraid that it might happen to them. I never liked that, especially since the kids who “so wanted to please me” were often really well behaved kids. I remember being that kid, seeing the teacher yell at “bad kids,” and doing everything in my power to keep it from happening to me. It’s not a healthy state to be in, to think that you might be yelled at no matter how much you follow the rules. I don’t see myself yelling this year but I’m struggling with how to be firm and unyielding in my expectations while still doing what I set out to do: see things as they are, accept that I can’t control the universe, and see the beauty in my students so they see themselves as beautiful.

So tonight and tomorrow I’m going to focus back on teaching: on figuring out what behaviors and routines they need to master in order to “learn how to learn,” on teaching and modeling those behaviors for them, and on giving them feedback on how they’re doing in their adoption of these behaviors. I think my “zen” practice will fit in there somewhere- probably in my feedback to them or in my patience and understanding when they struggle with learning these behaviors- but I do need to get back to the business of teaching before my class turns into one talking head and twenty who aren’t listening.   

z: Being present... in a tunnel?

 This past summer while I was visiting friends in Boston, I practiced being present. I was present with friends, present with myself, and tried to be present to everything around me. One afternoon I was on the T, traveling back to my friend’s house after seeing a movie in downtown Boston. I noticed all the people, the diversity, the little kids, and then we went through a tunnel. I tried to be present for the tunnel. I looked out the window, it was totally dark, there was no graffiti, no change in light, just concrete. I thought, “Wait, am I really supposed to be present for this? Is this helping me to wake up, to be enlightened?” It made me wonder about the point of being present when there isn’t that much to see.
This past weekend I was cooking. I had the radio on and was somewhat occupied in following the recipe but thoughts kept popping up. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m exceptionally adept at delusions. Delusions have been getting me in to trouble lately and so I’ve been trying really hard to refuse their invitation to dance but man were they persistent. And then I remembered what the people do in the kitchen at the zen center: they’re present. They’re present when they chop carrots, when they do dishes, they don’t chat, they just pay attention to what’s in front of them. So I started looking at the water as it washed over my thumb and the spoon and then a delusion flashed its pretty dress at me. “Focus!” I thought, and brought my thoughts back to the spoon and the water. And I did, for a little while, then drifted away again and the delusion popped up again. “Oh,” I thought. “When my mind is present to the things in front of me, there’s kind of less room for delusion to squeeze in.” I really have no idea if that’s why we’re supposed to be present for mundane things like chopping carrots and going through tunnels but for now, it's working.

z: Drunk is fun... until the hangover

  I mentioned before that students at the zen center often reach a point where they choose to ‘take the precepts,’ vow to maintain certain codes of conduct or behavior that benefit all beings. I’ve looked over the precepts a couple of times to see if they were something I could commit to. When I got to the one that says “I vow not to intoxicate mind or body of self or others,” I thought “Score! I can totally do that one. I already don’t drink!” 
Now, the reason I don’t drink is because alcohol tastes horrible. Beer? Blech! Wine? Really bad grape juice with an after burn. Hard liquor? Pretty much…paint thinner. Drugs: just couldn’t get over the whole smoking thing. I never wanted to put a burning object in my mouth. And if I can’t get over that, you know I wasn’t going to stick myself with a needle. Basically, in my mind, if you have to get over a hurdle to get pleasure, I’ll just go with the direct pleasure: chocolate pudding. If alcohol tasted anything like chocolate, I’d be such a lush…

And it turns out that I am- drat!

Here’s what I figured out: intoxication has many forms. One of them is delusion, my greatest strength (and weakness I suppose). I’m really good at delusions because I make them so close to reality, it’s like they’re not delusions at all. I take real people in real situations and put them inside my head for a little chat. We have imaginary conversations. We have imaginary relationships. We have alternate realities that are based in my reality. I even delude myself into thinking that this is healthy, that I am processing these emotions and working things out with people It's quite lovely and I so enjoy it. I can have all those interactions, and in my head everything works out just fine. But then I leave the happiness of my head and actually interact with these people. That’s when the hangover hits.

You see, because I entertain these thoughts, even though I know that I’m making them up, they change my perception of reality. When I come back out of my head, I have a new perception of my relationship with the person who was in my head. Often, this perception is way better than the reality of my relationship with the person. And then I’m disappointed or confused or angry. This person simply says hello to me and I am disappointed in them, “Wait, this weekend in my head we totally bonded. All that stuff we were working through, we figured it out. Why are you only saying hello to me? We’re, like, best friends now.”

Or, a coworker will remind me that I need to finish that thing and I get totally upset, “We talked about this. Remember in my head when I explained that I needed to have some boundaries? You agreed not to ask me to do things that were above and beyond my job description?” In my head, it’s all good and then when reality hits me, it’s all bad. It really is like a hangover: you get drunk to avoid reality and it feels great until you wake up the next morning worse off than you were the night before. All those issues that you were having with these people are still there and you’re even less likely to deal with them because now you’re hurt and disappointed that they aren’t participating in your delusional perception of them.   

The only reason I bring this up is because I experienced it myself recently. I really felt like the delusions, the fantasy, the imaginary conversations were totally harmless. But two things happened when I returned to reality. Not only was I disappointed and hurt, but my new perception actually kept me from seeing some really great things that were happening around me. Because I was seeing things through my delusional reality, I misinterpreted or straight up missed some beautiful interactions that people were having with me. It was a very long day and the hangover turned me off delusions for awhile. So I guess this is my way of being your high school brother who tries to turn you off acid by describing his really bad trip. (Oh, I so hope I used those terms correctly… it sounds very 70’s. Do people even do acid anymore and do they call it a trip?)