Underwear Day 1

So, I was present to the kids today. I tried my very best to just let them occur . At times, I felt like an idiot but I didn't yell at anyone, didn't get frustrated, and kind of discovered that in the same way that I can't change grownups, I can't change kids.

As we were doing the pledge of allegiance, I was interrupted by:
Hood on head, unhappy face and "I am not taking my hood off all day long!"

I thought "Oh no, this is going to be a long day."

But then I inquired instead of assuming:
"What's going on sweetie?"
"This weekend? I fell down and hit my head and it really hurts. Can I get an icepack?"
"Of course, and you can wear your hood if you need to."
(imediately takes off hood)

During our spelling pretest I heard:
Much, much, much ripping of paper, into smaller and smaller bits, and "I hate spelling!"

I thought, "I shouldn't have let her go to the bathroom. She missed the first part so she thinks she's behind. I can't let her rip up her paper like that. I'll get her later by making her redo it during her lunch."

Instead, I go on with the prestest. She walks up to me, shoulders hunched and mostly crying. I want to send her to her seat but I don't. I put my arm around her. We finish the pretest. She goes back to her seat and goes on with her day. I don't make her redo the pretest.

We are walking up from lunch. I see:
Spinning, spinning, spinning third grader. Third grader spinning past me, ahead of the line, in front of his teacher.
I think, "Disrespect. Defiance. Out of control."
I hear, "That teacher can't control her class. Look at those kids, totally out of line, and that one is all over the place. What kind of learning goes on in a class like that?"

I remind myself to only see, not think so much. I see again:
Spinning, spinning, third grader. He keeps spinning all the way up to the classroom door. Then he stops and kind of laughs at himself, dizzily walks into the room, and immediately gets on task.

Here's what I think I learned in third grade today:

I can't keep the first kid from being hurt and angry. He was hurt (physically) and was probably feeling a little ebarrassed/ defensive about the big scab on his forehead. He needed compassion and I gave it to him. He yelled at me later and only did what I asked when I told him I'd call home if he didn't. He cried as he did what I asked so I laid off him a bit and gave him space. Bizarrely enough, he did his work (not all of it, but he did it of his own choice, not because of me).

Spelling girl felt dumb because she didn't know one word. I can't do anything about this aspect of her, it's just who she is. I thought that by telling her she'd have to make up the test at recess, it would keep her from ripping up her next test, but it won't. I can't keep her from ripping up her test but I can let her know that I care about her. I'll find a way to practice those words with her another time.

Spinny boy was just me, hearing voices that never spoke. All he was doing was spinning. No one is judging my line, and if they do I'm happy to explain that we are walking to class. As long as we get there in time for read- aloud, I don't really mind what we look like. If we're bothering you, let me know, we can be quiet and orderly when we need to be.


Here's what else makes today slightly okay for me. After the dharma talk at Green Gulch on the weekend of our Young Urban Zen retreat, Fu responded to a teacher in the audience by saying: "It's about the relationships you have with the kids. That's what I always remember, and that's what they'll remember. It's the conversations you have with them, it's about you seeing them, them feeling cared for."
And it's true, it really is what I remember about school. The teachers who noticed me, took time to get to know me, who genuinely cared about me. That was what made the difference for me, and that's probably why I liked school so much- there were some grownups who saw things in me and wanted me to do well.
It's hard to accept that this is what I'm doing because I so want them to do well in school, to not be behind, to catch up and be academically prepared so that they can succeed in school. But at the same time, I know that this really is what I do; I see kids, especially when I behave the way that I did today. Spelling words and fractions aside, hugs and understanding present, a balance between the two or even an acceptance that they're all a part of me seeing these little beings and letting them be.