As I read the Ino's (Shundo's) study hall blogpost this week, I was reminded of a blogpost I have been meaning to write for a long time. It's about how sitting zazen is like going to the gym.
Shundo's blogpost showed Uchiyama Roshi's commentary on the final paragraph of the fascicle of Dogen's Genjo Koan. Here's my commentary on his commentary (well, it's just what I thought when I read his commentary):
There are times when I get annoyed with zazen. It usually happens when I haven't gone in a while or when my zazen is full of thoughts or even after I've had some really great bouts of zazen (often after a sesshin or a one day sit). I get annoyed because zazen doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I feel like I should be getting better at it, like there should be this point at which I reach some sort of plateau and get to coast, for a little while at least. But that never seems to happen. It seems like no matter how much zazen I sit, it's never done, I never make progress. And even if I do make progress, even if I begin to feel my breathing or develop my posture or even if my legs start to loosen up, as soon as I stop or take a break, I go right back to where I started.
And that's when I realized: sitting zazen is like going to the gym. The more often you go, the better shape you're in. When you stop going, you fall out of shape and it's hard when you start again. Sitting zazen is like maintaining your health. It's not like you can go to the gym for 21 days in a row and be like "Okay, healthy now, I can stop and I'm just going to stay magically healthy because I did it so diligently for so long." Our bodies just don't work that way- you have to keep them up, you have to keep going to the gym. I never think I'm going to reach some plateau in being healthy. I know it's something I have to work at and I don't expect to ever to "reach health," to someday get to this point where I don't have to work out anymore.
I don't like the fact that this is the nature of zazen but it kind of makes sense. Sitting zazen is actually a pretty physical practice, so it makes sense that you'd have to maintain it. And even if you see it as a cognitive thing, everyone knows that the more you use your brain, the healthier it is, so that makes sense too.
I'm still annoyed, I still want to reach a plateau at which zazen becomes easy or effortless or even a point at which I can stop doing it. But when you think of it as the same as going to the gym or eating healthy or anything we do to maintain our health it seems ridiculous to think you would ever be able to stop, that you would ever be "done" with it.
Your so right, it's a practice, not some point we reach and then we can say, check. so humbling too!... I think it will forever feel like for every 1 step forward, I take 3 steps back ( 1 day present, the next 3 totally caught in my head). I got a kick out of Baker's comment that it's a constant practice of counting to one! lately for me it's been about appreciating where I am at no matter how overweight I am from not visiting the 'gym' ;).Is there a big difference you notice when you sit as opposed to not for a while??
ReplyDeleteOne of the most distressing things I hear every now and again is people who want to reach some state where they don't have to meditate any more. They're typically pretty shocked when I tell them that the Buddha attained his great awakening...and proceeded to spend hours in meditation every day for the rest of his life.
ReplyDeleteThe gift of zazen is of staying in one place, so it's not surprising that we feel like we're not getting anywhere. ;-)