Anyway, this phrase came up for me as I was struggling to see myself. See, I was noticing that
what was coming up for me in zazen was basically me, waving my hand in the air
saying, See me! See me! I was wanting people to read my blog and comment on it.
I was fantasizing about people at the zen center talking about me at dinner. I
was imagining people talking about me, when I wasn’t there, but in a good way.
I wanted to be the talk of the town. And I figured that all of this was coming
from me, not actually seeing myself.
So then I actually started trying to see myself. It was hard at first, because I was afraid of what I was seeing. I saw that I came to the zen center a lot and that scared me. I saw that I meditated each day and that made me uncomfortable.
When I talked with my therapist about this- about how afraid I was of both these things- she pointed out that my fears might be coming from the associations that I had with these things and also my tendency to think that if I did these things, that I would be a certain person or a certain way. And so she suggested that when I looked at myself, when I saw what I was doing, that I see myself just in that moment: Right now I am meditating, that’s all. It doesn’t mean I’m a meditator or that I’ll do this forever but right now, I am meditating.
And that helped a lot. I actually started seeing myself: right now, I am skipping my recess to talk with two little girls about their friendship and how it has changed over the course of the year. Right now, I am calling my sister, way past my bedtime, because things are happening and she needs someone to talk to. And it helped- I actually started seeing the things about myself that people had been telling me all along: I am a good teacher, I am a good friend, I listen.
But then I got kind of worried. I was noticing that all I was seeing was the good things about myself. It seemed like a bad idea, like I was starting to get puffed up. But at the same time, I knew that these were the very things that I needed to see about myself if I really was going to accept myself- because they were truths about me-whether or not I had been taught to not see good things about myself (which I think I have- I think that may be where my reluctance in accepting good things about myself comes from, I don’t really know.)
And then, this funny thing happened. I was listening to Paul’s dharma talks on-line when he was doing the practice period at Tassajara. I listened to a bunch of them, in sequence one week, and the same thing kept coming up for me. In each talk there would come a point, or a few times, when Paul would say something, and immediately after it, he would say “And now I’ve confused you.” Or, he would preface something he was about to say with, “Now, this probably won’t make sense but…” And every single time that he said either of these things, the teaching that he gave resonated with me perfectly. I fully understood this thing that he was saying was confusing.
And when I noticed this, I started to have this notion of myself as having this superior understanding of the dharma. I had this idea that because I had come to practice with no intent of studying it, of never reading any books or intentionally practicing Buddhism in itself, because my practice had only been applied practice- not that 'removed study of Buddhism that everyone else was doing'- that my understanding of it was deeper, and that’s why I totally understood what Paul was talking about. And, to be honest, I felt like Paul and I were companions in our understanding of the dharma- how’s that for puffed up?
And that’s what I said to myself, “Dude- you’re totally going off on yourself. You think you’ve got this great wisdom and that all those people in the audience at Tassajara don’t. You think you’re all that- get over yourself.”
But I didn’t know what to do because what I was getting puffed up about, had actually happened. Paul said those things, he said they were confusing, and they totally made sense to me. How could I deny that? It was really was what I was doing- it really was what was happening.
And then another voice popped into my head and said. “What if that dharma talk had been about the paramitas, or about Buddhist history, or about some sutra- you would have been totally lost. You would have listened, but it would have gone over your head. Those things just don’t interest you- it’s not how you came to practice.”
And when I heard those words- it’s not how you came to practice- I started to see that that’s all that this was. This was how I came to practice. I came to practice in a way that when Paul said those things, they resonated with me. My connection to them doesn’t come from a superior knowledge, it just comes from the way that I understand Buddhism. My understanding is no better than any other understanding- it’s just how I understand things. Reading texts, studying sutras, studying Buddhism one way or another- they’re all different, not better or worse, just ways of doing it.
And then I saw that I could accept this about myself as just this is myself, this just is who I am, this just is how I got here. It’s me- not good me or bad me just how I am at this point right now.
And it continues to help me. In the same way that not having judgment or evaluation allows us to see the things about ourselves that we don’t like, seeing our behaviors or attitudes or activities as just- is, not good or bad, allows us, well, allows me, to see all of myself, even the things that I think are "good."
So then I actually started trying to see myself. It was hard at first, because I was afraid of what I was seeing. I saw that I came to the zen center a lot and that scared me. I saw that I meditated each day and that made me uncomfortable.
When I talked with my therapist about this- about how afraid I was of both these things- she pointed out that my fears might be coming from the associations that I had with these things and also my tendency to think that if I did these things, that I would be a certain person or a certain way. And so she suggested that when I looked at myself, when I saw what I was doing, that I see myself just in that moment: Right now I am meditating, that’s all. It doesn’t mean I’m a meditator or that I’ll do this forever but right now, I am meditating.
And that helped a lot. I actually started seeing myself: right now, I am skipping my recess to talk with two little girls about their friendship and how it has changed over the course of the year. Right now, I am calling my sister, way past my bedtime, because things are happening and she needs someone to talk to. And it helped- I actually started seeing the things about myself that people had been telling me all along: I am a good teacher, I am a good friend, I listen.
But then I got kind of worried. I was noticing that all I was seeing was the good things about myself. It seemed like a bad idea, like I was starting to get puffed up. But at the same time, I knew that these were the very things that I needed to see about myself if I really was going to accept myself- because they were truths about me-whether or not I had been taught to not see good things about myself (which I think I have- I think that may be where my reluctance in accepting good things about myself comes from, I don’t really know.)
And then, this funny thing happened. I was listening to Paul’s dharma talks on-line when he was doing the practice period at Tassajara. I listened to a bunch of them, in sequence one week, and the same thing kept coming up for me. In each talk there would come a point, or a few times, when Paul would say something, and immediately after it, he would say “And now I’ve confused you.” Or, he would preface something he was about to say with, “Now, this probably won’t make sense but…” And every single time that he said either of these things, the teaching that he gave resonated with me perfectly. I fully understood this thing that he was saying was confusing.
And when I noticed this, I started to have this notion of myself as having this superior understanding of the dharma. I had this idea that because I had come to practice with no intent of studying it, of never reading any books or intentionally practicing Buddhism in itself, because my practice had only been applied practice- not that 'removed study of Buddhism that everyone else was doing'- that my understanding of it was deeper, and that’s why I totally understood what Paul was talking about. And, to be honest, I felt like Paul and I were companions in our understanding of the dharma- how’s that for puffed up?
And that’s what I said to myself, “Dude- you’re totally going off on yourself. You think you’ve got this great wisdom and that all those people in the audience at Tassajara don’t. You think you’re all that- get over yourself.”
But I didn’t know what to do because what I was getting puffed up about, had actually happened. Paul said those things, he said they were confusing, and they totally made sense to me. How could I deny that? It was really was what I was doing- it really was what was happening.
And then another voice popped into my head and said. “What if that dharma talk had been about the paramitas, or about Buddhist history, or about some sutra- you would have been totally lost. You would have listened, but it would have gone over your head. Those things just don’t interest you- it’s not how you came to practice.”
And when I heard those words- it’s not how you came to practice- I started to see that that’s all that this was. This was how I came to practice. I came to practice in a way that when Paul said those things, they resonated with me. My connection to them doesn’t come from a superior knowledge, it just comes from the way that I understand Buddhism. My understanding is no better than any other understanding- it’s just how I understand things. Reading texts, studying sutras, studying Buddhism one way or another- they’re all different, not better or worse, just ways of doing it.
And then I saw that I could accept this about myself as just this is myself, this just is who I am, this just is how I got here. It’s me- not good me or bad me just how I am at this point right now.
And it continues to help me. In the same way that not having judgment or evaluation allows us to see the things about ourselves that we don’t like, seeing our behaviors or attitudes or activities as just- is, not good or bad, allows us, well, allows me, to see all of myself, even the things that I think are "good."
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