Zen love

As I was walking to work this morning, I was thinking that what I really wanted to do was make my friend feel better. It wasn't that I didn't want to go to work, it was just that if I could have done anything, it would have been to do things that would somehow make things less painful for her or that would make her smile.
Then I thought about the fact that I make brownies and baked goods for people, a lot. And then I thought about the fact that my dad baked us a cake on our birthday and that my brother and I made chocolate pudding when we were growing up and I thought that maybe that was why I baked so much for my friends- that baking was how I showed my love for them.
And then I thought that was kind of sad- that baking was how I showed love- and that maybe I should stop that. But then I thought that this was the way that I did show love, feeble as it may be- and that this was the way that I do things.
And then I thought about loving others, and how sometimes that's hard for me, and I pictured myself just trying to love others, and all the fear and rejection I feel around it.
And as I saw this image- of myself attempting to love and pulling back- I saw that all I really wanted to do, was love.
And then I thought that was lame- that my fulfillment of self was to love others- and I watched as my reaching-out-to-love-others self shrunk back into itself.

And that's when I noticed that it wasn't others' rejection of me that was stifling me, it wasn't fear of abandonment, or being left, or being alone. It was me not letting myself love others that was causing me suffering. All I really want to do is love others, actually be free to love them.

And it was funny, because nothing in all of this involved being loved back. In my image of myself wanting to love others, I didn't picture being loved or embraced or being in a relationship. I simply pictured myself being able to love someone, to actually express my fondness and affection for them.
And then I pictured myself doing this, loving them freely, loving them at will, loving them as an expression of my feelings, not with any other intention in mind. And I also pictured their reaction to me- which was a bit awkward- but I just laughed, and did it anyway, and noticed how good that felt.

And that's when I saw how this was unconditional love- the expression of love, not the receipt or engagement or relationship of love- but one actually expressing their love to someone- without any expectation of anything in return because it isn't about them and their reaction, it's about you and your expression.

I thought about how in the past, I had had so much suffering around love- because it wasn't romantic, because it wasn't reciprocated, because it wasn't the kind of love that I wanted or didn't illicit the response that I was hoping for. My focus on love had been what I would get in return and so I had calculated my love, evaluated it, modified it or stifled it to make sure that it was pleasant and well received. But in doing this, I was keeping myself from freely expressing my love, and that was what was causing me the suffering: the monitoring, labeling, and controlling of my love. What had brought me joy was the times when I had stopped trying so hard to love someone and just let myself love them how I loved them, regardless of their reaction. When I gave in, and accepted that I loved them, regardless of how they felt about me, that's when I was fine and free and myself and happy.

So I think this is zen love. Zen love is the expression of love, in whatever form it takes. Zen love is broad and changing and little and big. It is free, without boundaries or definitions or labels. It is what it is in that moment and it is true because it is simply an expression of ourselves- a manifestation of our hearts, of our deep desire to love others, however it is that we do that.