z: No more Christmas Eve?

At the end of the school year last year, I had a bit of a sad realization. I had been practicing living in the moment and not worrying so much about the future. It was the last day of school, I was about to leave on a trip to Portland and after that I was going to start 10 glorious weeks of summer vacation.
I felt nothing. It felt like a Friday, any other Friday, not the end of a school year and the beginning of summer. I thought to myself, "Is this it? Do I not get to anticipate things anymore?" The only thing I could liken it to was Christmas Eve. If you're living in the moment, Christmas Eve isn't so exciting because you're not thinking about Christmas Day and all those presents. I guess it's better 'cause you can actually sleep but it also seemed kind of sad. I was okay with that anxiety of Christmas Eve, I kind of like anticipation when it involves presents or chocolate cake. I wondered if this was part of what it would mean to be a Buddhist (is that what I am? I'm still confused about what to call all this.).
And now I'm experiencing it again, but in a bit of a different way. School starts on Monday. Last year at this time I was in my classroom all weekend, setting everything up for the kids, rehearsing every minute of the first day, placing materials where I could easily reach them all in an attempt to control the first day of school. This year I'm at home making risotto and listening to Adele radio on Pandora. Tomorrow I'm going on a hike with a friend and I actually think I'll do some planning but mostly because I'm interested in what the kids need to learn about the sun, not because I think that by planning I can make things happen. I do have to be honest about this- I have been looking over my plans from last year so I have a general idea of what I'm doing all week. But for those of you who know me, this is not normal.
The thing is, I don't even HAVE feelings of wanting to control the situation. It's not like I start to plan the week and then say "Oh, those are thoughts." And it's not like I'm in denial or not interested in going back. I'm super excited. I can't wait to meet the kids on Monday and when I think about Monday I think about them, about how scared they might be, about how they want their friends to be in their class, and about how I can support them to have a happy first day. There is a little voice in the back of my head that's saying "Remember last year, when you tried to BALANCE life and work and you weren't prepared and the lesson went horribly?" But it doesn't seem so important anymore. That scares me a little bit but it also feels like it's all going to be okay.
Talk to me on Tuesday....