So, I’ve been trying this whole “being present” thing and “not thinking” thing and it’s pretty exhausting. It’s like I’m constantly stopping myself and taking a breath, constantly noticing that I’m thinking, constantly refocusing on the mundane task in front of me. While I was doing this this morning, I thought, “Man, when will this ever end? Seriously, is this how I’m going to spend my time from now on: noticing, refocusing, breathing? Won’t there come a point at which I, like, master this and can just relax and be done with it?”
And then I listened to myself and I thought, “Oh, you know why this is causing you suffering? It’s because you think there’s an end to this. It’s your concept of a beginning middle and end that’s making you feel like you’re never going to get there. You see yourself on a path like there is a path, like there is an end and because you see yourself on a path, you’re evaluating your practice as “not there yet” and your effort as something that seems to “get you nowhere.”
So then I tried to see what I was doing within the concept of zen: being in the middle of things, being present in the moment, experiencing what’s in front of you, right as it happens. And according to that, I’m “there” already. Constantly noticing what’s in front of me, stopping in the moment to refocus on my breath, being aware of my thoughts ALL THE TIME, darn it, that’s actually practicing zen.
I’m not saying that I like practicing zen, but at least now, when I’m doing it, it doesn’t feel like I’m not doing it. Seeing “it’s never going to be done” as a bad thing, that’s something I need to let go of. I need to see “never going to be done” as “being in the middle of things” and know that when I feel that way, I’m actually practicing what I’ve been trying so hard to practice.
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