I went to my second Full Moon ceremony a couple of weeks ago. It's kind of weird how this ceremony seems to always happen when I'm in the middle of a crisis. Last time, I was bitter and ready to give up on practice. This time, I was utterly confused about my feelings: how to feel them without reacting to them, how to meet them with equanimity, and feeling what it was like to let go of them and then suddenly want them back.Here's my play-by-play of the evening:
We start off in small groups to discuss the precepts (precepts are kind of like guidelines for how to live in a way that benefits others and (I think) reduce your own suffering too):
Practice group discussion leader, "Looking over the precepts, what stands out for you?"
I scan the sheet of paper that lists the precepts. BAM! I'm struck by: I vow not to praise self at the expense of others
Hmmm, what's up with that, why that one?
Oh, yeah, when I got all self righteous about feeling hurt by someone. Convinced that what really needed to happen was for me to be honest about how much they had hurt me, for them to see the effect of their actions on me, for them to understand how much their words had hurt me. All the while, completely unaware of the effect of these very words on them at that moment. Seeing them as separate from me, and in so doing, probably separating them even more from me, causing them suffering: praising self at the expense of others.
Feedback from discussion group leader: You hit the nail on the head with that one. You felt justified in your anger. You were seeking revenge.
Revenge?! I didn't even know I was capable of revenge...head drops to chest, shoulders droop.
We return to the Buddha hall to chant:
All my ancient twisted karma...
Okay, it's karma, it's not all me. These are habits, I'm messed up, but some of my messes are because of my early circumstances which weren't intentionally messy, but which created some messed up ideas about relationships and my role in them.
From beginningless greed, hate, and delusion...
Delusion-my nemesis! I swear, I need to buy that poster of the word delusion with the big ol' S in the middle of it and hang it at the foot of my bed so that it's the first thing I see when I get up in the morning.
Born through body, speech, and mind...
Yeah, especially speech this month!
I now fully avow...
What does avow mean again? Am I vowing to stop doing it? Am I cleansing myself of it? Am I free from it now and have a fresh new start?
We chant the precepts.(I missed the first two- looking for the chant sheet- after that, certain ones spoke to me more than others):
I vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings...
Gotta remember this one, especially the 'be lived for' part
I vow to not take what is not given...
Especially with people. Let interactions be, stop trying to make things happen in your interactions with others. Accept people for who they are, see what they have to give instead of trying to make them give you what you want from them.
I vow to refrain from false speech...
Are you really being honest when you "speak your truth" or are you speaking only the truth that sounds noble and good and righteous? Omitting the truths that might get you rejected or might not look so pretty to others.
And then this one really hit me:
I vow not to slander: In the Buddhadharma, go together, appreciate together, realize together and actualize together. Don't permit faultfinding. Don't permit haphazard talk. Do not corrupt the Way.
I hadn't been present at all when I expressed to this person how much they had hurt me. I just started talking and telling them how I felt. I didn't see them, or if I did, it was as someone completely separate from me, of being capable of hurting me, of intentionally hurting me. I was totally looking for fault in this person, for blame, for separation between us instead of harmony. And in the end, expressing it this way did exactly that: separated me from them even further, leaving me feeling more alone and hurt than before I had expressed my hurt feelings. Had I been present, had I approached the person with inquiry and an actual willingness to genuinely hear what they had to say, I would have seen their actions and heard their words. Instead, all I heard was myself: my perception of what they had done, my perception of what they were saying, refusing to see the truth of the person immediately in front of me.
"Great," I thought to myself. "You've just started the practice period and already you're failing at not one, but two of the precepts....
I vow not to harbor ill will...
HUGE smile. No harboring ill will, and that means you. No harboring ill will against yourself. You messed up, in more ways than you had imagined. You're gonna mess up some more. But you're trying. And you have some ways to practice this. You can be present, to yourself and the people around you. Remember your intent at the beginning of the practice period: big open chest, relaxed arms, open hands, vulnerable to what comes, embracing the world in a way that holds it while still allowing it to exist just as it is.
Deep breath, more bowing, still confused about when to step into the line to exit the Budhha hall but totally aware that no one is mad at you for that. Smile as you recognize the person who bows to Buddha at the same time as you, ride home together, write blog post.
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