It's you again...

A bunch of things happened when I was twelve that, in the aggregate, left me feeling pretty sad and pretty lonely. I turned to my teddy bear for support: he consoled me, told me I was a good person, and assured me that everything was going to be okay. But over time, I noticed some things about my teddy bear that made me question his identity: his fur was synthetic, his eyes were made of plastic, and his tag said "All man made materials."
"Wait a minute," I thought. "You're a stuffed animal, you can't talk!" And then I thought, "Hey! That voice was me. I'm the one who's been consoling myself, reassuring myself, making me happy." At the time, this made me feel safe, knowing that I could take care of myself, no matter what happened. Looking back, I realize now that it set in motion a habit of relying on myself in times of need and believing that no one else could help me. It also set up a false belief in that voice inside my head. But I have to admit that that voice is always there, sometimes comforting, and a really important thing for me: will never leave me. It's my thoughts, it's my habits, it's myself but often, I believe it's reality. This past weekend, as I was listening to that voice again, I realized that voice really is me, only me. Here's what happened.
As I walked out of the Budhha hall after service, I ended up moving from spot to spot in the work circle, each time feeling like I was in someone's way. Shortly thereafter, I was sweeping the steps for soji. As I was sweeping, I was reflecting on my behavior in the work circle and I imagined that people in the work circle were watching me and thinking: "Poor kid, she's just trying to find her place at the zen center." And then I remembered what everyone keeps telling me: no one is thinking about what you are doing at the zen center. And I thought, "Oh, yeah, that's you. You are thinking to yourself: Poor kid, you're just trying to find your place at the zen center." And then I realized: wait, that's you. You're judging yourself. You're looking at yourself as a poor kid who's just trying to find herself at the zen center, no one else is doing that.
At first I was kind of crushed: even my self is judgmental. I'm kind of a judgmental person. And then I felt kind of lonely. Hearing that voice judge me felt like it was another person, like it was separate from me, and I wasn't quite sure who I was left with if they weren't me either. But then I realized that that judgment actually was separate from me, it was made up, it only exists if I want it to exist.
I've known about thoughts for a while now. I've known about judgment, and recently begun to cognitively understand that the judgment I feel is coming from me, not others, but I never really got that it is an option. The judgment isn't just coming from me, it's being made up by me. It feels real, it feels like I know myself and am seeing myself, but I'm not. I'm just generating thoughts. These ones feel more real because I used to attribute them to others but now, seeing that I'm the only one doing it, makes me see that I don't have to do it.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to stop generating judgmental thoughts, maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is to just recognize that what feels like judgment is just a thought.