I was having a conversation with someone and then it ended and I thought to myself, "Wow, that was really weird. You had an entire conversation with that person and you didn't feel judged at all. You aren't leaving the conversation feeling accepted or rejected. You didn't wonder if they approved of what you were saying while you were saying it, you aren't wondering now whether or not you said the right things, and you don't feel like they evaluated you in any way, shape, or form. All you did was have a conversation with that person."
I thought about the person I had the conversation with. Had they changed? Had they suddenly stopped judging me? I considered the conversation, replayed parts of it over in my head to see if their words, tone, or approach to me had changed. Nope, it hadn't. This conversation was no different than any other conversation we had had before.
So then I thought about our dynamic. Maybe our relationship had changed, maybe we had changed roles or come to some place in which we were equals and so that had led me to feel less judged. But that wasn't true either. Our dynamic really hadn't changed, it was the same as it had always been and in some ways, our roles had become even clearer in a way that should have led to an appropriate place in which I actually would receive "judgment" from this person but it would be in a way that was less judgmental and more about honest feedback.
So then I went back to myself. Maybe I had changed, maybe my approach to this person had changed, maybe I saw us more as equals and so felt less judged. But I didn't. I didn't necessarily feel like we were equals or that we were similar or peers or anything like that. Any sort of hierarchy that could have led to judgment was still there, though it really didn't feel like the judgment was coming from any sort of power imbalance at all.
And then I realized that in fact I had changed, but it was in a way that I wasn't expecting. I realized that in the entire conversation that I had had with this person, I had never asked for their approval, I hadn't looked to them for acceptance, I never put them in a position in which they could judge me or evaluate me. It just never came up. And then I thought about our relationship in the past, how it had been filled with constant disappointment on my part, how I had felt like I could never make this person happy, how they never seemed to accept me.
"Poof," I thought. "That's all gone now. With this simple act of not seeking acceptance from this person, I've removed all the thoughts I had that they were judging me, that they didn't like me, that I would never make it right by them, and that we could never have a peaceful, easy relationship."
"I wonder," I thought to myself, "if this person has been like this all along. That they never actually have judged me, that they never actually were rejecting me, that they have always just been there and that I, in seeking their approval, misread all of what they were saying to me as rejection, judgment, and separation."
"Bummer," I thought. "I missed out on a lot of conversation and probably some love and kindness."
"Bummer too," I thought, "for that person who was simply being, but constantly being met with frustration and disappointment on my part."
"This is something that I want to remember," I told myself. "I want to remember to accept myself, to not look so much to others for acceptance and approval because it seems to cause suffering all around."
And the judgment thing? I want to notice when I'm feeling judged and ask myself why I'm seeking approval, wonder what it is about this part of me that is unsure, that is looking to others for acceptance.
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