No... I won't.

Yes, I will
he asked us to say.
And I was.
I was all get go
I was all willing
I was ready and enthusiastic,
because it worked.
When I said yes, without thinking
When I said yes, when it was hard
When I said yes, no matter what
I was immersed.
I was tossed and tumbled
but I was there
experiencing,
instead of outside
lamenting
fearing
hoping.
When I said yes, I was in it
and that was surprisingly
better
than saying no
and staying outside.

But this is different.
This is acceptance.
This is accepting, that she is gone.

And foolish me
believes
that if I stay outside, on this one
that she will come back
that I will have had her
that my life will not be
what it was.

I know I can't change the past
I know she won't be there in the future
But I just don't want it.
I don't want it to be true,
I want it to be different.

No
I won't
I say to this one
I won't.

And so here I am
outside
And I guess she is there
inside
But she is gone
and so maybe
that
is what I accept.
I guess her being gone
is still her
and my refusal
keeps me farther
from that.