The community of HoHos and birthday cake

I have a funny response to eating meals at the zen center. Often, after eating there, I leave with this desire to have a doughnut, or a HoHo, or something which, to me, feels especially gluttonous or luxurious, or indulgent.
I always assumed that I was doing this- "treating" myself to these "indulgences"- because I felt like I had "deprived" myself when I ate at the zen center. I think this perception of "deprivation" came from the fact that I often ate lunch there- which is usually a simple soup and slice of bread- or oryoki- a basic meal in which you take "just enough" of each food offering to sustain yourself (there's actually much more to oryoki than that but, for the sake of understanding, we'll just focus on that for now).
This morning, as I was riding my bike home from an oryoki breakfast at the zen center, I had that same feeling again: of wanting some "indulgence" or "treat." But this time, I remembered my association with these treats. I remembered that I often turn to these treats when I am lonely. I remembered that I associate these treats with being surrounded by my cousins and grandma or with having a cake made for me on my birthday. What I look for, in having these treats, is the feelings that I associate with them: being surrounded by doting family members and feeling loved.
"Lonely?" I thought. "But I'm not feeling lonely, I just left the zen center, where I was surrounded by friends and community."
"Oh my gosh!" I thought to myself. "I'm leaving the zen center. I've just spent all morning in community. I sat zazen with my fellow practitioners in the zendo, celebrated a ceremony in the courtyard with good friends, did soji with strangers, and ate oryoki- breakfast- in the zendo with the sangha. I'm not feeling deprived of food, I'm feeling deprived of community. In riding away from the zen center where I am surrounded by others, toward the isolation of my apartment where I am alone, I am removing myself from the feeling of belonging and connection that I love so much.
It took me forever to figure this out. My body, however, has known this all along. It felt how I felt when I had meals at the zen center, it enjoyed that community and connection, and it knew it was going home to an empty apartment. That's why it was craving the treats of my summers with grandma and childhood family gatherings- not because it wanted indulgence, but because it wanted belonging, community, love. It was asking for it in how it remembered it most: HoHos and birthday cakes...