About a week ago, I found myself feeling slightly lost, unproductive, a little harried, and (the only part that makes sense) useless.
I felt this way after I had spent an entire afternoon in my own classroom, getting ready for my own class, preparing supplies and filing work so that I would finally feel like I could get into the swing of things and really immerse myself in my kids and what we were learning.
The week prior, I had spent every afternoon helping others. This wasn't an intentional helping of others. I didn't plan to spend every afternoon helping the new teacher. But that's what I ended up doing. At the end of school each day, I would check in with her, give her lessons that she could teach the next day, show her the new curriculum, talk with her about parents, reassure her about kids, and respond to any questions and needs she had.
I did all of this without thinking. I wasn't trying to help her. I just knew that she had been hired on a Friday, and school started on Monday. I knew that 20 third graders were going to show up each day and that the more I could help her, the more likely those third graders would feel safe and happy on their first week of school.
As a result, I ended up leaving school each day that week at around 6PM, much later than I would normally stay. I also left each day spending only about the last half hour or so getting ready for my own class. For some reason, this was okay. I'm sure it had a lot to with the fact that I've been teaching third grade for several years. I'm sure it also had to do with the fact that I'm not so worried about making things perfect anymore, I'm just preparing for what needs to get done. But I also think it was partly because I appeared to have... the perfect class.
I wasn't quite sure why things were going so smoothly in my class, but they were. My class seemed to pick up the routines right away, everyone was getting along, we magically got to recess and lunch on time no matter what time we left...
I started to wonder: is it me or is it them?
And I have to admit that I worried that it was them. See, last year I had had a similar experience of having a perfect class of kids only to have that change completely when I got a new student during the second week of school. But I also knew that this year, that couldn't happen. I had 21 students. The other two classes only had 20. There was no way I was going to get a new kid... unless three new third graders showed up during the second week of school.
I arrived at school Monday morning feeling fine. I was prepared for the kids to be a little off because the novelty of the first week of school was over and the academic load would be increasing. But I didn't try to control them the way I had in the past. I just kind of decided to take their behaviors with a grain of salt- understanding that it wasn't them, it was just the nature of the second week of school. As I unlocked the door to my classroom, I started to relock it like I always do but then decided against it, realizing that I didn't need to block people from coming in to my room.
I started to put my things away and prepare for the day when the door opened. It was a parent, coming in to turn in the forms I had sent home last week. I introduced myself to her, let her son show her his desk, talked with her about how things were going, and tried my best to be welcoming. After about 10 minutes, I realized that I really did need to get ready for the day so I gently suggested that she and her son pick a book to read together in the lobby and they left.
About five minutes later, the new teacher walked in. She wanted to talk about the lessons we were doing that day, she shared that she was nervous, she seemed to need reassurance in a way that she hadn't before. I shared that I was feeling nervous this week too- that I was feeling more pressure to teach curriculum and manage the kids. I listened to her, went over the lessons with her, and did my best to keep answering every question she had until she felt okay.
At the same time, I was watching the clock. I knew I had to get ready, knew I wasn't ready, and was starting to get worried about how to tell her I had to go without rejecting her or making her feel like she was taking my time. I ended up listening to her a bit more while also starting to prepare for the day. I think she picked up on this because she finished the conversation and headed back to her room.
I went into survival mode- preparing only for the lessons until recess, knowing that I would have time at recess to get ready for the rest of the day.
And then the phone rang.
I laughed out loud. Really, I did.
The phone only rings in the morning when something urgent comes up. It is often a parent calling about something or someone from the office calling to report that a teacher is out so we won't be having PE or Library. It is rare that the phone rings in the morning to bring good news. So I thought it was really fitting that just when I didn't have time to deal with something urgent, the phone was ringing to bring me something urgent.
It turned out to be the principal.
It turned out that I was getting a new student.
It turned out that it was a student who was new, to school- not our school, not third grade- school. Today was going to be their first day of school, ever.
I found this out after I agreed to take the new student. I found this out five minutes before school started. I was pissed.
I started school anyway and we made it through the day. But at the end of that day, I was done. No more helping others. No more doing what needed to be done. It was time for me to start taking care of me. It was time for me to make sure that my needs were met first and that if I had time, I could help others.
I closed my door right after our staff meeting that day. I didn't go to yoga because I didn't feel like it. And I stayed late, getting everything ready for my kids, no one else's.
I did the same thing the next day- planned for the whole week, made photocopies, got everything done, even earlier than my normal time. But instead of checking in with the other teacher, I decided to file and clean, and do stuff in my room that I had been wanting to do last week but couldn't.
I should have left that night feeling great. I was prepared, my room was clean, but I didn't feel great at all. I felt lost- like I hadn't gotten anything done. I just kept doing little things around the room, looking for a sense of completion or ease but nothing seemed to bring me any sense of satisfaction. I ended up leaving simply because it was five o'clock.
The next morning, I felt unprepared even though I had spent the afternoon getting ready for the lessons that day. When the new teacher stopped by, I half- talked to her, continuing to set up my class instead of actually listening to her. I considered telling her that I wasn't really a talker in the morning, that I needed that time to prepare, but then I thought she would never come back in again and I wanted her to feel like she could come in.
That afternoon, I decided that the reason I wasn't feeling prepared was because I didn't have time to really think about the lessons. I felt like what I really needed to do was look through the standards, reread my lessons, write them up, make them interesting, etc. I felt like it would help me and the kids (we were starting to fall apart a little bit- some of us were bored, others were freaking out by the new challenges, others had just found friends and things to talk about) if I could just immerse myself in the lesson plans.
I started to do this- I closed my door and looked over the lessons in reading that would fit with the book- when the new teacher walked in. She wanted to clarify what lessons I was teaching in reading that week and I had to tell her that I didn't know- that I was working on it right then. So we talked a bit about the lessons and I saw how overwhelmed she was by the curriculum and I remembered how confused I had been when they had given us the new curriculum last fall.
I paused. I knew that what I really wanted to do was be by myself- have a quiet time to think deeply and understand these lessons. But I also knew that I knew this curriculum from teaching it the year before and I knew that I could show it to her- explain its organization so that she'd at least have a foothold.
And so that's what I did. I showed her how it was organized, pulled out a few of the additional books that I used for homework and enrichment, and stayed with her until it seemed like she understood how it worked. She thanked me, and I could see from the look on her face that she felt much less overwhelmed, like maybe she could navigate these lessons and actually teach tomorrow.
After she left I looked at the clock. It was time to go, but I wasn't upset. I didn't feel like I had been taken advantage of or that my needs hadn't been met. I actually felt fine even though I wasn't prepared for the next day.
"Notice this," I said to myself. "Notice that you feel better when you help others and that you feel lost when you take care of yourself. I know it doesn't make sense, I know it's not what you want to do, but it's the truth of your experience. You just feel better when you feel like her needs are met. And all of the time you spend planning for what's going to happen tomorrow doesn't seem to make you feel more prepared when you show up the next day. Just notice that."
And so I did.
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