It's the thoughts that make you lonely

It turns out that thoughts, can make you lonely. I was surprised by this. See, in my experience, my thoughts keep me company. For a long time now, it's been my thoughts, the voices inside my head, the rationalizations that have made me feel better. If I were upset or confused or feeling bad, I could soothe myself with my thoughts- tell myself I had learned something from the situation, think about how I could make it better, tell myself it wasn't as bad as it seemed. But recently, as I was sitting in zazen during a one-day sit, I realized that my thoughts were separating me from the people right there in the room. You know when you find yourself feeling lonely in a room full of people? That's what was happening to me.

It was the last part of the sit, the marathon zazen in the afternoon: zazen, kinhin, zazen, knhin, zazen, kinhin.... it's the worst! And it's right after tea so you're all sleepy and there's nothing to distract you from all this sitting... Anyway, I found myself imagining what treat I would have when I got home from my one day sit and I knew that meant that I was getting lonely. I thought it was pretty weird that I was getting lonely when I had spent the day in a one day sit, surrounded by people. So then I thought it was because I was thinking about going home and so that was making me lonely. But that didn't feel right either, it felt like I was lonely, right there and then.
So then I did what was suggested in the dharma talk that morning: focus on right now, right here, and all of a sudden, I could feel the person sitting next to me. And then I started to feel all the people in the room, and I realized I was in a room with all these people, and that we all were sitting together, and I actually felt connected, not so alone anymore. I didn't exactly feel better, I still had to sit there with all the stuff that I was afraid of coming up, but I definitely didn't feel alone anymore.
And then, during service, when we were bowing, I noticed how I was labeling people- how I was noticing who was and wasn't doing full prostrations, who was bowing from their spot, who needed a chant card, who didn't, and then I paused myself, stopped the thoughts and suddenly all of us were chanting together, all of us were bowing together, I was suddenly part of a group of people, doing this together.
It's not some panacea or cure all, this notion that thoughts separate us, but it's enough of a noticing to make me not necessarily turn to my thoughts when I'm bummed out or wanting to avoid the situation. It's enough of an awareness that I might want to turn to the moment in front of me, instead of somewhere else.