Today was kind of confusing for me. I can't tell whether things got better for me because I let go, or if I was able to let go because things were easy.
I went to sleep last night annoyed. I felt like I never had enough time, that I was always catching up, that even when I got all organized, I was still behind (and this was after my whole post about slowing down!). I even went to sleep late so when I woke up this morning I decided to "meditate in bed" instead of riding my bike to the zendo. It didn't work. I just lay there from 5:10 to 5:50, thinking. Which is, actually, what I've been doing in the zendo anyway so maybe it was just as well...
Anyway, I knew that my annoyance was coming from my clinging to my own concept of time/ getting things done/"catching up" /being efficient but I honestly didn't feel like letting go of any of that. I knew that the clinging was what was making me annoyed but I feared that letting go of it would make things worse, that I'd feel less prepared and less in control. So I kept clinging: making photocopies early this morning, making sure I was all packed for the field trip, thinking I could make things go well if I could just prepare enough for them. And then, like always, life happened: busy photocopy machine, people not showing up, things forgotten in one place or another but for some reason, I didn't get upset or annoyed.
Now, part of that reason was that I was able to avoid suffering by being flexible- not quite sure if that's just another form of delusion. Photocopy machine was busy=> did other things while it was occupied. People didn't show up=> stalled until they showed. Things forgotten=> did them later instead. I even watched our bus to the Academy of Sciences drive right past us as we waited for the light to turn. My response: We'll get there when we get there, the Academy of Sciences isn't going anywhere. And when we got there as late as we did, it turned out we were still early.
I didn't consciously breathe or let go in any of these situations (except the bus one, I think that really was my zen practice bubbling up). In fact I tried to avoid my annoyance by substituting more pleasant things (doing other things while waiting for photocopy machine, deciding to do things later instead of suffering through trying to find lost item). And it was easy to be late when it turns out you're early. So I still don't know whether I let go or if it just turned out to be a good day. The kids were great on the field trip but I also hardly controlled them. But were they great because I hardly controlled them or was I able to not try so hard to control them because they were so great? Was the field trip fun because I maintained my focus on making sure the kids had a good time or did the kids just have a good time so I could relax and not worry? I still really don't know.
And I don't even know if this is good practice. It's weird, I guess it feels effortless but I've felt effortless before and this isn't what it feels like. It feels more like a coincidence or luck, to be honest. So I can't even recommend or advise it because I feel like I didn't even play a role in it. I woke up today knowing that I should be more intent in this, that if I would be willing to have faith in letting go, that things would be better. That's how I woke up, but my brain wasn't interested in doing any of that so I didn't intend to do any of it. Maybe this is "the fog of dharma" setting in but I kind of wish I was more involved so I'd know how to maintain it (still being a Clingon (sorry Trekkies, had to change the K to a C))
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