Just showing up

Over the last few weeks I’ve had this funny thing of ‘just showing up’ meaning two really different things. Both are beneficial, I’ve just noticed that I need to be present to what they do for me and how I interact with them.

The first kind of ‘just showing up’ had been happening in the zendo. I was going to the zendo twice a day, but not actually meditating. I was just sitting there, thinking. But I think that because it was in the zendo, it felt somehow okay to just think and not even try to meditate. I was all present to myself for this, all compassionate for where I was at, but after a while I realized that this was kind of a waste of time. It wasn’t really helping my practice to just think, and there wasn’t any point in going to the zendo if I wasn’t going to meditate. Also, I had been thinking about my zazen and how it wasn’t really going all that well. A large voice inside my head suggested, “If you want your zazen to go better, put a little effort in to it. At least try to mediate while you’re in the zendo.” And so I did. The next time I went to the zendo, I was actually very present to it. I put all my effort into noticing my breath, coming back to it, and saying no to those inviting thoughts. I don’t know if I meditated more or less but I was definitely more present and intent in my time in the zendo, and I think that helped.

The second kind of ‘just showing up’ happens at 5 in the morning on rainy days when really, I would SO rather stay in bed than get on that darn bike that keeps getting stolen and ride OUTSIDE IN THE COLD to the zendo. On these mornings, I think I need to ‘just show up.’ By that I mean, I just need to do it. In the way that I was ‘just showing up’ in the zendo, that I wasn’t really meditating but I was there, I think that sometimes, we need to just do the practice, without even thinking about it. It’s like, when things get hard or uncomfortable, sometimes we need the momentum of a “habit of practice” to carry us through. Because if I stop to think about the cold and rain, I will stay in bed. But if I just ‘show up,’ without even thinking about it, I find myself in the zendo, being at least aware that I’m not even meditating and  sometimes, that’s what I need to keep me going.

I guess they both have a place and I need to see them for what they’re doing for me. Sometimes ‘just showing up’ allows me to be lazy and not really present to what I’m doing. But other times, ‘just showing up’ actually keeps me engaged, keeps me trying, supports me to maintain the practice, no matter what level of effort I put in to it.