Stepping away, choosing not to suffer

Tuesday morning, a funny thing happened. I left the zendo convinced that I had taken too long to leave, to unlock my bike, to ride up hill, etc. and was sure that I was "late". My first inclination was to immediately turn on the radio to check the time. But then I remembered something: I'm only "late" when I look at the clock and compare the actual time with my expectation of what time it should be in relation to my morning routine.
I decided instead to try not being late, to try not using the clock to make myself feel bad for not being on time. So, I left the radio in my room and went to the kitchen to do my morning routine. I focused on making oatmeal and was present for it. I put away the dishes. I packed my lunch for school and headed back to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I was okay with all of this until I approached the bathroom clock. I suddenly had that sinking feeling of regretting the whole "living in the now" thing, convinced that all it gets you is a late arrival for 20 kids after a three-day weekend. But I didn't have a choice, our bathroom clock is pretty much unavoidable so I had to look at it. As soon as I did, I realized that I wasn't late at all, I was early and I was pretty happy about that. But then I realized that my relief at being early was just as contrived as my anxiety about being late.
I thought about how I had felt before looking at the clock, how I just was. And I realized that if I didn't want to feel late, I could just stop looking at the clock. And I don't mean that I'm avoiding this whole "time" thing. I actually did try that when I first started trying to "let go" of time during the last practice period. But this was different. It's not like I was blinding myself to time and my relationship with it, I was actually aware of the pull that the clock has on me, and chose to step away from that relationship.
So far, I've done it every day this week and it's kind of nice. I'm not any more early or late (still see that clock when I brush my teeth), I'm just not caught up in the concept of early or late as much as I was before. I just kind of let go of it, not of time, but of its pull on me. By seeing my relationship with time, I can step away from it, not get caught up in it, exist with it in a way that allows me to not suffer so much from my notions about it.