Whenever anyone talked about "enlightenment" at the zen center, I always thought they were talking about some light bulb turning on: a moment of realization, an epiphany, an understanding that somehow would transform your entire outlook on life- that once you reached "enlightenment," the shining of that light on your life would create some sort of bliss, or new and altered state.
This, was not something I ever really wanted. I didn't come to the zen center for change, I just liked how I felt after coming to zazen instruction and the dharma talks- like I had just had a really good massage- so I kept coming. Why I continued to come after that, why I write this blog, why I do whatever it is that I'm doing now at the zen center, I can't really say; but last night and this morning, it occurred to me that "enlightenment" can have another meaning- and it's a meaning that's more true to my experience.
Lately, enlightenment feels more like a lightening of weight. My shoulders are less hunched, my body is looser, I walk more like a rag doll or puppy and less like a commuter rushing to work. Also, I just am lighter- I'm not carrying around so much stuff. All those thoughts and worries and plans and expectations..I guess in some ways they're still there, but whereas they used to press down on my shoulders like a stack of books on an already full bookcase, now they're kind of floating up from my gut, bouncing around, and, depending on my state of being, either churning and growing, or gliding away.
I heard someone once say, in response to being asked what they had "gained" from coming to the zen center, that it was more about what they had "lost," what they had given up- stress, anxiety, worry-and how much better their life was a result. For me, it doesn't feel like I've "lost" something, like something went away, it's more like a weight has been lifted, a restriction removed, a loosening where there once was great tightness, clenching, fear.
But I've also lost a sense of the "weight" of things: this idea that one thing can change everything, that some decision I make or action I do will determine the fate of the world. It doesn't feel like that anymore. It feels like I'm just trying, and that my effort is a little pebble that sends out little cocentric circles that touch others and continue on their way.
oh my gosh, I just love when you put a new post up! haha, that was totally not the post I thought it was going to be, which was about losing weight during Oryoki. So I wonder what has contributed to this sense of weightlessness for you? Do your thoughts or emotions not feel as heavy as they used to in a sense? And definitely you mentioned less muscle tension. Hmm the last part is interesting...would love to hear more about that in a future post, only if you so shall desire to ;). Hope your day is going well, thanks for the post!
ReplyDelete