Mother's Day has always been kind of an "other people's thing" for me; kind of like prom, or makeup, or even bars. I get why people are doing it, it just wasn't something I did. It didn't make sense for me to do it. I've never even felt sad on Mother's Day. When I was a little girl in school, Mother's Day projects turned in to special-time-with-the-teacher for me. Most of them knew about my mother, so they would pull me aside to make an 'alternate' card or gift for Mother's Day.
Over the past few years, I've taken time on Mother's Day to call all the people who have been mothers for me- aunts, good friends, women whose children I babysat- wonderful women who took an interest in me, took the time to get to know me; that extra conversation, that pushing past my initial response of pulling back, that tender care to draw me out and let me know that I was unique and okay.
This Mother's Day, I'm feeling kind of confused. Part of me is sad that it's Mother's Day- not that it's Mother's Day-but that I don't have a mom. And then part of me says, 'You do have a mom- she's just dead,' but that makes me even sadder. It's kind of lonely to not have a mom on Mother's Day.
Part of me wants to call all the moms in my life and celebrate them. But part of me sees that as something completely separate from what I'm feeling right now, which is sadness, and the beginning of acceptance that, in fact, my mother is dead, has been for a long time, and that I grew up without a mom, am still living without a mom.
Part of me says, 'Really? Is that how you're going to spend your Mother's Day? Mourning your mom?"
But, in writing this, literally, right now I realize, that's actually the most appropriate thing for me to be doing on Mother's Day: acknowledging that my mother lived, acknowledging that my mother died, acknowledging my sadness and loss around this truth. I don't know how closer you could get to reality than that.
I don't know how I'm going to mourn my mom on Mother's Day, and my guess is that it doesn't work like that- you can't say, "Okay, I'm going to mourn my mother now." But I think I'm going to remove this feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else on Mother's Day; accept that my Mother's Day might be about saying goodbye, something I still don't want to do yet.
You could mark the day with a ritual of some kind. Whatever ritual feels appropriate. By yourself, or with friends.
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you want to talk more about that.
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Daigan
Hi, I like your writing so much. Thanks for keeping it real and being willing to share your queries and journey with us.
ReplyDeleteMendel
Hello :) thank you for the post..I know it will provide a lot of comfort to anyone who is feeling similarly. My best friend from high school had a mom who passed away from cancer when my friend was 10 and I know she thinks about her mom daily and that there are occasions that are confusing and difficult for her; I think you should do whatever you think would feel right to you, I like that you call all of the women who have nourished you. I'm free after 7:30 Sunday if you want to get some ice cream or see a movie :)
ReplyDeleteI lost my mother at 11 and got a wonderful second mom for 30 years...and the Mother's Day after she died was among the worst in my life. I really like Daigan's suggestion - the form of a ritual might be really useful to channel the emotions. Thank you for this blog - I get a lot from it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a meaningful mothers day, and a special way to be with your mom.
ReplyDelete