Do not look around in the zendo

This was one of the sentences that I heard as the Ino read the admonitions on the first night of sesshin. I remember thinking, "Wow, I am SO glad that nobody told me this before now because I never would have figured out anything if I weren't allowed to look around in the zendo."

"Looking around" has meant lots of things for me during my time at the zen center. In the beginning, I spent all my time looking around. I was fascinated by all the workings of the ceremonies- who was doing what, when, why, and where. Then, when I actually started participating in the ceremonies, I was looking around for survival- watching everyone around me to see what I should do next. And I guess when I looked around in this way, it was more of a peripheral vision kind of looking around, whereas before I had been blatantly watching, observing, staring, looking out of curiosity, almost like a tourist. Then after a while, I started to watch and participate at the same time, so I began glancing around for confirmation of what I should do next. And I still do this, it's just become less of a grasping, a fear, and more of a "Hmmm, okay, shoulda done it this way" or "Oh, cool, got it."

Even during sesshin, especially during oryoki, I have found that I still do need to look around in the zendo. I actually need to focus my awareness back and forth between the forms of oryoki and the actual event of oryoki in front of me. I need to make sure that I'm doing what I need to do to eat my food but at the same time, because I'm eating this meal with everyone else in the zendo, I need to be aware of what is going on in the zendo. I need to know if it's time for seconds, if it's time to wash my bowls, if it's time to chant.

And I think that this going back and forth, between being aware of what you're doing and aware of what the people around you are doing, is a bit of a parallel between the "practice" of zen and the actual living of zen. It's kind of what we do. We try to know ourselves and keep our attention focused on the moment but at the same time, we need to be aware of others and the world in which we live. It's this teeter totter between inward focus and outward awareness, this balance between the self and the world, the constant back and forth that, I think, allows us to create harmony, make peace with ourselves and with others.

But this admonition, this direction to ‘not look around in the zendo’ still stands, and I think that it’s okay. Because I think that what it’s saying is to not look around in the zendo: to not get distracted by who is serving, what just spilled, or whether or not you are being watched by others. It’s okay to look, to be aware, but don’t get caught up in it, don’t get pulled around by it, don’t get carried away by this outer world of distractions and thoughts- notice them, but keep coming back to your self, your breath, your quiet.