Full Moon Ceremony: The compassionate spotlight of a moonbeam

When I first heard about the Full Moon ceremony, I wasn't interested. It sounded like a whole lot of 'repentance' and bad kids being 'forgiven' for breaking the rules or some chance to 'start again.' It reminded me too much of going to confession, something I never found meaningful as a kid. But the weird thing was, all the people who went to the Full Moon Ceremony, talked about it with fondness. It seemed to be everyone's favorite ceremony and they talked about it like it was this best- kept- secret.
Over the past year, I've been to three or four Full Moon Ceremonies and had different experiences with each. But this morning, I felt that fondness that everyone had been talking about. And I think I felt that fondness because of what I've been developing in myself through zazen and study: a willingness to look at myself (all of me), a compassion for what I actually see in my self, and an awareness of the support, acceptance, and encouragement of the zen center community and its teachings.
In a nutshell, this is how I felt during the Full Moon Ceremony this morning:
this is who you are- we love you anyway
here are some things that will help you to be more of who you want to be
And, if that's a little too much for you right now:
lean on us, know that other people have struggled with this too, and, really, you're already there.

In some ways, the Full Moon Ceremony could feel like someone is shining a spotlight on you. It asks you to reflect on your practice, how you've been doing with upholding the precepts, and what you can do in the future to help yourself come closer to who you want to be. And that could be scary or embarrassing, shameful or punitive: that light could be pretty harsh. But this morning's ceremony felt more like a warm beam: illiminating who I am so that I can see myself, and encouraging me to meet my self with open arms and compassion.
If you want more detail than that, read on...

This is who you are, we love you anyway:
We started off with Repentance- chanting the following lines three times:
All my ancient twisted karma
From beginningless greed, hate, and delusion
Born through body, speech and mind
I now fully avow

As I chanted this, I remembered myself as a little girl and thought,
"Oh yeah, I was greedy. I remember wanting more oreos, more stuffed animals, more attention."
"I remember hate. I remember hating my mom for dieing, for leaving me here, all alone"
"I kept up that delusion that my mom was in heaven for a really long time. And I'm still keeping up the delusion that if she were alive today we'd have a perfect relationship filled with love, mutual respect, and absolute support of one another."
That's all I thought, not "Oh you horrible greedy, hateful, delusional child" just: "Yep, I've experienced these things."

Here are some things that can help you to be more of who you want to be
Then we chanted the Homages. From what I can tell, this is a way of expressing gratitude for all the teachers who have shared their understanding of this practice in a way that allows us to understand it too. We start by paying homage to the seven Buddhas before Buddha, end by paying homage to all the ancestors, and pay homage to five specific people in between. I've heard this list of teachers before- in Nenju I think- and in the past, heard specific traits associated with these teachers (compassion, activity, etc.).
So this morning, when we chanted them I thought "Hmm, it's kind of nice that there are a bunch of Buddhas. It's like you can call on different ones for different situations. And maybe that's what we're supposed to do: call on different aspects of ourselves to deal with different situations. We kind of need all of these things to make peace with this world- it's kind of great that we are made up of all of these different feelings and emotions."

And if that's a little too much for you right now:
Then we chanted the Refuges.
I take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.

lean on us:
Take refuge in the Sangha: You've got friends here. They're your greatest teachers and support and they'll tell it to you straight. Let them help you to see yourself and be who you are.

know that other people have struggled with this too:
Take refuge in the Dharma: all these other people have lived their lives too and they've written or spoken about what it's like. You can look to their experience for support or guidance about how to work on this or make some different decisions.

really, you're already there
Take refuge in Buddha: You, your true self, it's there and it really will do the compassionate thing in these situations if you just let it,  instead of trying to change it or control it. Just remember that your real self is a source of strength and compassion for you.

The ceremony went on after that: we chanted the pure and grave precepts, we bowed, the abbess gave a dedication (that I wasn't able to hear, but could kind of feel), and then we all bowed again and walked off the roof together (oh...no...not OFF the roof- just back in to the building and down the stairs).
I don't know what the next Full Moon Ceremony will be like for me but I can see why people like it. It feels like being held, being supported as you struggle with this hard stuff and it kind of bouys you, pushes you back up and makes you want to keep trying.