The good news is, I didn’t take it personally, didn’t get upset, didn’t even THINK about raising my voice. It was totally fine. The bad news is, I’m not quite sure what to do about it. I know how to stop it and I did stop it a couple of times today: I gave positive verbal praise to those who were paying attention, I gave table points, I gave class “compliments,” I stood near those who were talking, and, I actually did “call out” a couple of students. But it felt weird, especially the “calling out” part. It also feels weird “modifying their behavior.”
But at the same time, I’m their teacher and they actually need to learn how to pay attention. It’s a huge part of what I teach in third grade. And in the past, this was fine. I held really high standards about their classroom behavior. I expected them to have their eyes on me most of the time, to be thinking about what I was saying, and to be participating in the lesson. If they didn’t, I’d stop teaching until I had their attention. And man did they pay attention and man did they learn. And for the most part everyone learned. Kids who might have just kind of “hung out” in the past couldn’t anymore and, low and behold, it turns out that they can learn just as well as anyone else in the room. So, what’s not compassionate about that?
I guess I feel like I was focusing on just “letting things happen.” Maybe I was more focused on my response to the situation than I was on the actual work of teaching. I mean, just because I’m learning for myself how to respond instead of react to them doesn’t mean I give up all those things that teachers need to do to create a classroom full of learners. I still need to teach them routines and behaviors in the same way that I teach them third grade content. It’s just how I’m teaching it that needs to be changed, I think. Or at least how I respond to them when they don’t do it.
I’ve had a few parents in the past tell me that their kids were super worried about not turning in their homework or completing an assignment- that they so wanted to please me. When I heard this, I didn’t take it as a compliment (though I think the parents saw it as a sign of how much their kids liked me). I knew the kids loved me but I also had a sinking suspicion that these kids had seen my reaction when others kids had misbehaved (yes, I have yelled in the past) and were afraid that it might happen to them. I never liked that, especially since the kids who “so wanted to please me” were often really well behaved kids. I remember being that kid, seeing the teacher yell at “bad kids,” and doing everything in my power to keep it from happening to me. It’s not a healthy state to be in, to think that you might be yelled at no matter how much you follow the rules. I don’t see myself yelling this year but I’m struggling with how to be firm and unyielding in my expectations while still doing what I set out to do: see things as they are, accept that I can’t control the universe, and see the beauty in my students so they see themselves as beautiful.
So tonight and tomorrow I’m going to focus back on teaching: on figuring out what behaviors and routines they need to master in order to “learn how to learn,” on teaching and modeling those behaviors for them, and on giving them feedback on how they’re doing in their adoption of these behaviors. I think my “zen” practice will fit in there somewhere- probably in my feedback to them or in my patience and understanding when they struggle with learning these behaviors- but I do need to get back to the business of teaching before my class turns into one talking head and twenty who aren’t listening.
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