Out of my control

 After having such great success with Girl 1 on Monday, I actually thought that my being compassionate with her was what supported her to be compassionate with others and herself. But then Tuesday rolled around and she went right back to being hurtful and combative. By Thursday, I was feeling pretty defeated because it seemed like her behavior had everything to do with her living situation and, as my coworker pointed out, “nothing to do with you honey….”

This can be both comforting and saddening at the same time. I know that my agreements included that I would meet my students where they were and accept that I can’t control the universe. But my big agreement was that I would see the beauty in my students and that in doing so, they would begin to see the beauty in themselves. So it’s hard for me to just say that I can’t do anything, that this is who she is, especially after seeing her ability to focus and get along with others on Monday.

Today Girl 1 arrived late, walked in the door with a scowl, and promptly threw herself face down on our class rug. I asked her if she wanted to go to the “cool out” chair, but she just lay there. I continued teaching and explained to the class that it looked like Girl 1 was having a bad morning so we might want to give her some extra space.  Then I introduced the “slates.” Slates are dry-erase boards and each kid gets one along with their own dry-erase marker. This is a huge deal for third graders, usually only teachers get to use white boards and they never get to actually have their own marker. Girl 1 decided to put away her backpack and go to her seat. She also came up and gave me a hug.

Then she totally bugged the kid sitting next to her during the spelling test, pretended like my marker was hers and refused to give it back to me, and then yelled at me when I wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom until I could find someone responsible to go with her. Her behavior at lunch was so horrendous that she’s off the yard for the week and she had to move to the back table because she grabbed the math test from one of her table mates and then lied about it.

But, she wrote her letter and addressed her envelope so that she was actually able to drop it in the mailbox before lunch. During “Room Time,” she actually played with another kid (NOT her best friend) and when someone else wanted to join them, she said, “I think we should let him help even though he wasn’t with us at the beginning.” Then she lied and said that she had given me the game that they were playing. I called her over and whispered in her ear, “You’ve been playing with two friends for the last half hour. You haven’t called anyone a name or bothered anyone. You don’t have to lie to make them like you, they already like you.” She didn’t say anything, just went back to cleaning up (and then promptly wrestled her best friend to the ground).

So, does it have anything to do with me? I have no idea. I know that she hugged me today. I know that she played with other kids today. I know that the anger that she walked in the door with seemed to be somewhat impermanent, but so did the great behavior that she demonstrated on Monday. I can’t control her; that I am aware of, far too well. But I can encourage her, and I can meet her with compassion and understanding. And maybe I need to be doing this without a goal, with the understanding that it’s just compassion and seeing her, not with the intent to change her.