If a blog is written but nobody reads it...

Okay, before I begin I must say to the, let's see, one.. two...three, yes, three, I think there are three of you now who read this, that you are not nobodies, you are lovelies. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement, your whispers, your subtle referrals to my blog in public, your sweet playing along of my game of writing a blog, but not telling anyone about it. Thank you for reading but mostly, thank you for supporting my delusion of anonymity while giving me the recognition that I need to make me keep writing. So when I title this post the way I do, please know that it's not because I think you are nobody...It's just, well, here's what's happening:
Lately in zazen (meditation), I've been paying attention to what thoughts come up for me while I'm meditating and where they come from. And, basically, I've been composing my blogpost during meditation- not such good practice, eh? The first time I noticed this I thought "Well, I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole zen practice. I'm trying to understand Buddhism, that's why I'm thinking about it during zazen." But this morning I thought about it again, and I tried to actually feel what I was feeling and this is what I saw: me, waving my hand in the air, saying "Hey! Look at me! Notice me! See what I'm doing? See me?"
Not the prettiest thing to admit but, it's true, it's what I'm doing. Apparently I am writing a blog to get noticed. (I'm not only doing it for that. I actually do want teachers and not-so-hot-on-the-whole-meditation-thing people to have a place where they can see that they're not the only ones struggling. But still, what's coming up in zazen is a need to be seen). It's sad, but not as sad as what I'm actually doing which is: typing words on a computer, publishing them over some sort of wireless connection, and THEN, not even telling anyone that they're out there. Okay, logic? Sorry, it just went out the window.
I know that what I really need to do, if what I want is to be seen, is to actually talk to people about what I'm writing about on the blog. So then I pictured myself talking to people about this and I pictured them disagreeing with me or wanting me to prove zen practice and I thought "No, that's not what I want, I just want them to listen and say Oh, I see you. You are doing this. That is interesting, tell me more." But, if I've been reading my blog, I know that it doesn't work that way. You can't just have the parts that seem good, you have to take all of it. If I want to be seen, I need to show myself and if people want to disagree with me or ask me to prove it or, heaven forbid, that they might want to share something too, I need to be present for that too.
So, off I go, turning off the computer now, backing away from the keyboard, out in to that world of crazy people like me who just want to be seen.