So, today was the first day of school. This morning I went to the zendo and all was well, until all was not. Zazen didn't end at its regular time. By the time I checked my watch, it was 6AM, around the time that I'm usually riding my bike up the hill, so I was about 5 minutes late. Knowing this did nothing for me because it was still absolutely silent in the zendo: no movement, no bell saying it's over, nothing... meaning: no way could I get up and leave. Finally someone moved, but they were moving toward the altar, not out the door. I looked over my shoulder and the curtain was closed. And then, then some gong started. I thought, "Okay, this is the end of zazen, just sit through it and you can leave." Nope, after that gong, people started putting their rakasus on their head. This meant that we were going to chant. "Oh no!" I thought. "I'm not just late anymore, I'm screwed!" I was sure that they were doing the robe chant which would lead to another chant which would lead to three full prostations and then a bow to the altar and then another bow and then a final bow and.... well, another 10 minutes at least! But what could I do? No way was I going to interrupt the robe chant. So, I put my hands in gassho for the part in Japanese and then chanted along for the part in English. And then, it ended and that was it! Everyone around me bowed to their cushion so I got up and left as fast as I could.
I am an on time person. If you invite me to your house at 6:30 and I get there at 6:25, I sit outside and wait until it's actually 6:30. I really really really don't like being late. It's a thing for me and I'm working on it but just so you know, being late on the first day of school is a really hard thing for me.
I started running up the hill to make up for lost time, and then I started laughing at myself. I couldn't make up for lost time, it was lost. And then I thought about the chant and the extra time I had spent in the zendo. I decided that maybe that extra time in there, my little struggle with wanting to be on time and just having to accept that sometimes you aren't on time, was a pretty good lesson for me to learn on the first day of school. And then I went a little further in my delusions and decided that really, that chant was for me. It was the zendo's way of saying "We know it's your first day. We thought you might like a little something to carry you through the day today. Here it is: saving... all... beings."
But then I rode my bike home faster than I've ever ridden. I went through my regular routine as fast as I could and then I tried that zen trick about asking "How are you now?" and my answer was "Still late, and pissed off about it!" and then I asked myself, "Do you want to be pissed off about it?" I laughed and said no and took a deep breath and calmed down. I called my friend who I call every morning and said, "Sorry, I'm late." "You're fine," she said, and when I thought about it, I was.
I got to school about 5 minutes late which really wasn't that bad. And, surprisingly, I was very mellow about it. I had a lot to do but I focused on what would make the kids most happy. I did freak out when I thought that I would run out of things to do before recess but then I remembered that that was one of my fears: the kids taking over if there was nothing to do. So I let it go and focused on the three things I wanted for the kids today: they'd be happy, they'd feel good about school, they'd find a friend.
And it happened. Between recess and lunch a kid came up to me and said, "Third grade isn't as scary as I thought. I think I'm going to like it." Another student said, "I think I'm going to really like having you as my teacher."
We did not get to our spelling test. We did not learn how to "listen to learn." We didn't even have a chance to share what we did this summer with our partners and I didn't go over the procedures for sharpening your pencil. But they were happy, and so was I. When certain someones weren't paying attention, I just noticed that about them, I didn't call out their names or make them look at me. When someone didn't want to read, I said, "Well, we're reading right now, so you have to." But then I also invited him to pick a book from my "secret library." And when another someone wanted snack right before lunch, I let him go in the hallway and eat it, understanding that his clock didn't match ours today, and that was fine.
Now, all you teachers out there know that today was our honeymoon and tomorrow is when the real work begins. I also know that today, I have no problems with the fact that we got little done but that by Friday, I may totally regret the loss of time.
But the two kids who came up to me who genuinely liked third grade, the number of times that I smiled at the kids, genuinely listened to them and started to get to know them, that was right, I know it was.
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