Zazen: An interesting thing happened during my second period of zazen: I just felt what it feels like when I breathe. Now, I’ve focused on my breath before. I’ve even felt what it feels like to breathe, normally, during zazen. But every time I’ve done this, it’s been with a goal or an object in mind. I’ve focused on my breath to keep myself from thinking. And I’ve felt what it feels like to breathe so that I’ll know when I’m breathing right. But this time, I just felt my breath and I said, “This is what it feels like when you breathe.” It was interesting, I just breathed and felt it. And then, of course, my thoughts came rushing in and I went sailing away with them. But before that, for a little while, I just breathed.
This is something I've been trying to do during zazen: not judge myself. I've been more able to do this in my regular life, notice things about myself just as they are, not good or bad. But in zazen, even though I say "Oh, that's a thought," or "Come back to your breath," what I'm thinking is "Damn it, that's a thought, why can't you stop thinking?" and "Lame brain, you got carried away with your thoughts again. Better come back to your breath where you're supposed to be." But this morning, just feeling my breath, just to know it, was really different. I just felt it, that was all. I don't know what else to say about it other than I recommend it.
Soji: I got bathroom duty for soji again. It was interesting to do the same job for soji at this sitting as I had at the last one, because I was able to notice the change in my approach to it. Last time, all I could think about was whether or not I was doing everything on the list of cleaning instructions. I felt panicked that I wouldn’t get it done on time and that, because of that, I’d be judged as inept at cleaning the bathrooms and be downgraded to some other soji job. All of my energy was focused on “doing it right” and on “getting it done” before the bell rang. When the bell rang last time, I felt defeated and like a failure because I hadn’t taken out the garbage.
This time, even though the Ino said that we would have a short soji, I got everything done before the bell rang and even considered going back to the work leader for another job. Now, it’s possible that because this was my second time doing this job, I was faster at it but honestly, I don’t think that was it. I think that I just did what needed to be done. I emptied the garbage because it fills up quickly (and yes, because I wanted to finally finish what I hadn’t finished before) and I sprayed the fixtures with disinfectant because it seemed like that was the most important thing in cleaning the bathroom. My focus was on doing the job well- not so that others would approve of me, but because that’s just what you do. When you do things well, when you fully engage in them, they actually get done, whether or not you finish them.
When I finished with time to spare and considered going back to the work leader, I imagined her response to me, asking for more work. Then I thought, “You know what? I’ll bet this isn’t about getting lots of work done, it’s about doing the work well.” So I looked around the bathroom and noticed areas that needed cleaning and I cleaned them. And then the bell rang. And this time, I felt relieved instead of panicked, and very much willing to leave the bathroom the way it was.
Oryoki: I had a couple of instances during oryoki where I felt confused about the forms, mostly because what I thought was right, wasn’t what was being done. My first response was to ask the Ino about it later, just to confirm that I was right, but then I thought, “Really? Do you need to be right about this? Isn’t right what works? And, what’s right in this oryoki will likely be wrong in some other oryoki.”
I did learn one form though, about seconds. Asking for seconds is an individual thing, not a pair thing. So, if your pair wants seconds, they gassho for it but you don’t join in the gassho bow like you would normally do when a server comes to you.
The han: During the break after oryoki, I was pretty tired (I hadn’t slept well the night before) so I just sat in the courtyard and drank some tea. I didn’t check the schedule to see what was next or how long it was until the next event. Instead I tried to “let go” of time and just follow what the one day sit had in store for me next. But then I heard the han and thought that was a funny thing to hear before the lecture. I looked at the Buddha hall and noticed that no one seemed to be setting up for the lecture. I told myself not to worry about getting a good seat, to just go when it was time to go and kept drinking my tea. Then I went to the bathroom, thinking we’d be going straight from lecture to zazen, and heard the han again so headed upstairs to the Buddha hall. There was still no one in the Buddha hall except a bunch of people who were not part of the one day sit. Finally the greeter said to me, “They’re downstairs, sitting zazen.” I put my hands up in idiocy, then bowed to her in gratitude, and rushed downstairs as she called “You can still sit in the gaitan…”
I shook my head as I sat down in the gaitan, embarrassed that I had completely forgotten about the second period of zazen. I considered going in to the zendo just to show that I really was there for the sitting, that I wasn’t flaking, and partly because I felt like I belonged in the zendo, not in the gaitan. But then I realized that walking in there to prove that I hadn’t forgotten, to show others that I belonged in there would also involve interrupting everyone with my footsteps and sitting down and that was definitely unnecessary. So, I stayed in the gaitan for the second period.
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