Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cold is desire

On Sunday morning, I woke up because I was cold. As I was pulling the extra blanket over me, I remembered our homework and the koan from class about letting the cold be so cold that it kills you.
"Darn it!" I thought. "I'm not supposed to get warm, I'm supposed to feel the cold, experience it as the mental construct that it is."
Then I thought, "Meh, I don't want to do that. I want to be warm. But hey,  I can still feel the cold as I'm warming up..."
So I did, I felt what it felt like to be cold. And this is what it felt like:
"I want to be warm. I can't wait until my body heats up the space between me and the blanket. Oh how nice it's going to be as the blanket drapes over me and the warmth fills in all those spaces. It will be so nice when I'm not cold anymore. Oh warm, come to me..."
And I realized that cold isn't really about being cold, it's about wanting to be warm. Yes, I'm uncomfortable, I'm experiencing displeasure, but mostly what I'm feeling is a longing for warmth.
Cold? It's actually a desire for warmth.
Once I got all cozy under my blanket, I started to feel tired.
"Oh," I thought. "Now I really can do the homework that Paul asked us to do. I can feel the tired that he insists is a mental construct and I insist is inherently negative."
So I felt what it felt like to be tired: "I want to be asleep. I want my muscles to relax. I want this feeling of tension, of in between, of exhaustion to drift away. I want to be carried away by unconsciousness."
Apparently, tired is desire too.
I don't know if these are mental constructs. I don't know if I'm experiencing them with a full mind. I don't actually know what I'm supposed to do with this information, but it's kind of cool that cold is desire.

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