Being present...feeling like a rockstar.

A few weeks ago, I went to the Bookswap immediately after I had been sitting zazen in the zendo and a funny thing happened: I kinda felt like a rockstar.

I walked in late and saw a good friend of mine whom I've known for a while. He seemed especially attentive, like he was making eye contact with me more frequently and for longer periods of time.
"Huh," I thought. " What's going on? He seems especially interested in me tonight. Is he, like, suddenly interested in me?"
But then I caught up with my other friends and they were all a chatter about how this guy had finally found his love and that they were getting serious and how great that was.
"Nope," I thought. "That's not it."
I checked my outfit. It was alright- but nothing striking. Plus, no one was commenting on it so it couldn't have been that great.
I walked over to the food table and started talking to people I didn't know. They were nice, but they were attentive too. It was weird, it was like they were stopping what they were doing and actually listening to me, intently.
I thought about what I was saying: was it especially profound? Nope. Was it the everybody-loves-their-third-grade-teacher thing? No, didn't seem to be, my conversation wasn't really focused on teaching at that moment.
I checked my hair. And then I remembered that I had ridden my bike to the Bookswap so, at best, I had windblown hair but, more likely, had helmet head.
And then it was time to sit down at the tables to discuss our books. I shared my book and the same thing happened: peeople seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say.
"Okay," I thought. "It's gotta be the book." But my book was Cider House Rules, which is a great book but not that great. And their attention didn't seem focused on the book or the contents, it seemed focused on me.
"Seriously," I thought. "I'm not being that cool. Like, I'm not this engaging. Something else is going on."
The guy across from me starting talking about his book and as he did, I noticed the contour of his face, how it was like the rolling hills of Marin. Then I noticed his nose and wondered if everyone in his family had the same nose.
After he finished, the girl right next to me started sharing about her book. As she spoke, I noticed the design in the frame of her glasses. Then I noticed the wrinkles near her chin and mouth. As she continued I noticed how clearly I could see her skin and her pores and I started to freak out and have a bit of an existential crisis about how we all are just cells.
And then I realized: I was just being present.
I could see all this stuff about people's physical presence because I had just come from meditating: my mind was open and my attention was focused on what was immediately in front of me.

And then I laughed at myself. I wasn't a rockstar. People weren't paying more attention to me tonight because of my outfit or because of what I was saying. They've always paid attention to me. This is what people do: they look at you when you talk, they listen to what you are saying, they genuinely are interested in what others have to say. You have just never actually been present for that attention.

It was a bit of a bittersweet enlightentment. My suspicions were correct: I'm not that interesting which is... what it is. But on the other hand, this feeling like a rockstar, it's available to me all the time. If I want to feel the attention of others, the interest of others, the love of friends who actually know me, what I really need to do is to be present to it and to them.