Showing up without brownies

I like to bake. I think it's because I like to eat chocolate and when you bake, you get to eat the dough too. I really like the dough. However, I have been noticing some things about myself and this includes my "propensity" to make people like me. This stems from some early habits and delusions that if I make you happy, you will not leave me and you will enjoy my company.
In looking at this, I noticed a connection between my "propensity" to make people like me and my "propensity" to bake for others (or to bring sweets or other treats to group functions). I did not like seeing this. I did not want to believe that I was bringing chocolate to class in the hopes that it would make the people in class like me. I wanted to believe that I was just bringing chocolate, just sharing with others. But when I sat with it, really felt it, felt my expectations, my gratification when people appreciated my chocolate and associated it with thoughtfulness or generosity, felt the security it brought me, I felt like there was a connection there. In some way or another, maybe not completely but at least somewhat, I really was bringing treats or making sweets with an expectation that it would please the person, and that would make them like me and not reject me. It's not as simple as that but there was still a connection there that I needed to see to understand this habit of mine.
This weekend, I am going on a retreat to Green Gulch with YUZ. I have Friday off of school and I was excited because it meant that I could bake something for the retreat. I considered making peanut butter kiss cookies because everyone always loves those and the batter makes a ton. Then I considered making these sinfully horrible double stuffed oreo, chocolate chip cookie, brownie towers- just to counteract the whole zen purity of Green Gulch (or something like that). And then I remembered reading in the email that we would have access to a kitchen and I thought, "Ooooh, I'll make my chocolate chip scones! Those are always super good right when they're fresh and I could make them that morning and everyone would say Wow- these are amazing!"
So, I checked with one of the organizers of the retreat, just to make sure that we had access to the oven. He asked me why I would want access to the oven and I explained that I wanted to make scones. He looked at me, a little perplexed, and asked when I would be making the scones. I said that I would make them in the morning and he explained that there would be plenty of baked goods and that breakfast would be provided and that we didn't really have access to an oven other than a hot plate. But he thanked me for the offer and said that it was quite kind to think of doing that.
Okay, I thought, I'll go for the brownies, a little midnight snack for the retreat. But then I thought a little more about what he had said, about how we didn't need scones. And I thought that we probably didn't need a little midnight snack either.
And then I thought about why I might be bringing the brownies. "No, really? Really am I bringing brownies to make people like me, really? It doesn't feel like I'm bringing brownies to make people like me. It feels like it's a fun recipe and it would be fun to eat brownies late at night and be all sugared up and share in delicious hydrogenated oils and preservatives and feel like we're kids again."
And then I pictured what it would be like if brought the brownies and this is what I pictured people would say as they ate them:
OMG these are so good!
You are an amazing baker!
It is SO COOL that you brought these!
Dude, remember when we ate those BROWNIES?
And I thought, Darn it! It's about me being "that cool girl who made the brownies."
So then I pictured what would happen if I didn't bring brownies and this is what I thought:
Oh, I'll just be like everyone else. I'll just be part of the group.
Double darn it!
I can't bring the brownies! I'm using them to control people's perception of me. I'm trying to make myself into someone instead of just showing up as who I am.
Darn it!
I'd like to say that I'm okay enough with who I am to bring brownies to this event and keep people's response to them separate from my feelings of security or belonging.  But if I'm being true to myself and willing to discover who I am, I think it's better to show up and see who I am without the brownies.