We are all the same in the zendo

I have been gently reminded BY EVERYONE AROUND ME AT THE ZEN CENTER, that I am no different from anyone else at the zen center. This is not easy for me to see or to accept. I wish I knew why this is not easy for me to accept because it kind of sucks for me to keep being on the outside when I really want to be on the inside especially since I'm the only one who's keeping me out. However, as with everything in zen, things come slowly, in little bits and then, because it's zen, they come all of a sudden, all at once, and in full force.
Tonight, in the zendo during service, I tried really hard to be present, to do a kind of bowing/chanting/ meditation thing: like how kinhin is walking meditation, this would be service meditation. I tried to be present to where I was at that moment. I was present to a few things: I was present to the particular kokyo who has some magic in the way his announcements of the chants flow somewhere between words and song, and this made me smile. Then I imagined that people were watching me smile and thinking either "Awww, how sweet, she's happy again" or "Huh, she's not being very respectful or solemn." And then I remembered what one of the priests had written on my blogpost about being judged at the zen center- that he was too busy worrying about tripping over his robes to even notice what anyone else in the zendo was doing.
Then I saw the look of the guy standing across from me. He was glancing sideways, shuffling his feet, and he looked to me like he wasn't sure when to bow or where to stand. "I remember that look," I thought. "I totally know that feeling." And then it was time to get the chant cards and a bell gonged and the two of us near the chant cards kind of made motions like we should get them but weren't sure if it was the right time and whether we were the ones who were supposed to get them and then the guy next to me got them and handed them out.
And then we were chanting and I was feeling a little unsettled about the whole no eyes, no ears, no sounds, no taste part. And then I was taking a breath because you just can't do that whole thing without taking a breath and I thought, "Hey, everyone in this room has to take a breath. And I'll bet they might worry about when to take a breath or how to take a breath while you chant." And then I thought, "You know what, I'll bet that there are other people in the room who are thinking WTF am I saying when I chant this stuff?"
Now, I honestly don't know what anyone else in the zendo was thinking. I have learned that lesson well- I do not know what anyone else is thinking, or even if they are thinking. But we were all breathing and we were all chanting and we are all bowing and we are all in the zendo and we have all chosen to be there. That makes us all the same and all the different and that is all.