Don't GET it, just DO it

This morning, at the end of the second period of zazen, we chanted the robe chant and I thought, "Huh, I've been here on a Monday before and they don't usually do the robe chant." And then a bunch of people walked past me and I thought, "Huh, should I be leaving?" And then the Ino walked right by me and I thought, "Oh no, there's a ceremony, and I'm standing right next to the altar."
But then I thought, "Whatever, it's gonna happen whether you know what you're doing or not. Just follow along, you're fine." And that's what I did, I just stood there. I definitely looked around for people to follow but mostly, I just participated as best I could by doing what everyone else around me was doing.
Then we went upstairs for service and I walked in the Buddha Hall. I started to worry about my bow and whether or not I should be doing gassho or shasu and then I thought, "Did you bow? Are you showing respect for the forms by trying your best to do them? Are you in your spot? Are you following along? Then you're fine. Just participate."
And I did, I just participated. And I thought about how I felt that morning when we did the ceremony in the zendo. I wasn't frenetic like I usually am. I wasn't scanning the room, desperate for someone to watch. When I bowed late or stood too soon, I just bowed late or stood early, I didn't "Darn it!" myself or shrink in embarrassment, I just did it. And I thought about my bowing during service, how I was starting to "get" the timing of it. But at the same time I understood that the timing was always changing and that my bow wasn't about getting it, it's not like some day I'm going to have this perfect bow and forever after that I will never have to think about how to do bows again. It's not about "getting it," "catching it," "having it," it's about doing it, in that very moment in that very place. Are you bowing? Fine, you're done.
And I thought about something the Ino had said to me, that he thought that sometimes it seemed like I was trying to collect clues on a treasure map. It was a good analogy because I'm definitely trying to "get" this practice. I'm trying to "figure it out" as if there's some "right way" to do things (Though for me, it's like each thing I learn is a piece that I fit in my incomplete puzzle, and I definitely am looking for that feeling of a completed puzzle- mmmm, isn't that just the best feeling?)
But feeling how I felt in the zendo, and feeling how I felt in the Buddha hall during service: this engagement, this participation, this just doing instead of doing for something or in a certain way felt a lot more relaxing. I wasn't grasping, I wasn't flailing, I wasn't worrying or fearful, I was just trying my best. No, I wasn't even trying my best, I was just doing.
And then I thought about life, and how ridiculous it is of me to think that there is is a way to do life, that I could figure out life. And then I thought about people, and interactions, and friendships, and relationships, and feelings and emotions and oh! No way! There is no way that I could figure that out. And nomrally, this would frustrate me and make me sad and make me think that I'm lame for not being able to do what I'm supposed to do with others. But I get it- ooop, darn it! I don't get it! Okay, let's just say that I'm beginning to understand that I just need to do this life, just live it, be present to it, make mistakes in it, apologize for them, but keep showing up and being who I am.