When I signed up for this one day sit, I knew that it was on the same day that I was going to see the symphony with my dad. But I figured that as long as I left the zendo by 5, I’d be home in time to meet my dad at 5:30 so that we’d make our dinner reservations at 6.
In the morning, I asked to have dokusan with Paul. By 4 o’clock zazen, Lucy (Paul’s assistant) hadn’t approached me so I figured he wasn’t able to see me that day. For some reason, the 4 o’clock zazen felt extra long. When the bell finally rang I remember thinking, “Well, at least the next period will be short. I’ll bet it’s 4:45 so the next one will only go until 5 so that they’re back on schedule.” Then Lucy approached me, “Shannon? Can you make dokusan with Paul now?”
“Okay,” I answered and followed her out of the zendo. I immediately started thinking about dokusan with Paul: what was I supposed to ask? Did I have something significant to say? Should I ask him to be my teacher?
And then I thought, “Oh @#$, it’s 4:45. What if I have dokusan so long that I’m late leaving the zendo?” But then I thought, “Nah, even if it goes super long I can still get out of here by 5:20, that’s time enough to meet my dad by 5:30.”
I went upstairs and sat in the hallway. After a while, Lucy came up and sat zazen next to me. While we were sitting, I could hear a man’s voice and Rosalie’s voice. Then I heard laughter from another man’s voice. “Ah,” I thought. “That must be whoever is having dokusan with Paul. If there’s laughter involved, it’s dokusan with Paul.”
Lucy and I sat there for a while. I started to get worried. I thought, “Uh oh. What if that laughter is coming from that tall guy in class who seems to be friends with Paul? Whenever they get together it seems like they could talk zen for hours!” Then Lucy got up and I thought “Uh oh, maybe she’s going to go tell Paul that I’m waiting out here.” But then I thought, “No, I don’t think Lucy tells Paul what to do. Also, I’m pretty sure that time isn’t what’s important here, it’s what’s going on in dokusan that determines when it starts and stops.” And I was right, Lucy did not go in to tell Paul I was waiting. I don’t know where she went.
Then I heard a gong from a clock. Then I heard someone else come up the stairs and say “Talk about late! My appointment was at five! I’m so sorry!” Then I finally heard a door open. I heard footsteps and I heard a door close. And then I heard laughter again and I thought, “Nope, that wasn’t the person with Paul who left, that was the person with Rosalie.”
I freaked, then I tried to be zen. I tried to have “big mind.” And I did, for a little bit. I remembered when I had dokusan with Paul at the last sit. I remembered feeling like my dokusan was extra long but being grateful to Paul for taking the time to meet with me and grateful to the person waiting.
Then I tried to be present for this moment. I said, “Right now, you are waiting for dokusan with Paul. Maybe in the next moment you will actually be having dokusan with Paul. You will get home eventually and you will see the symphony with your dad and you will have dinner with your dad.”
But then I pictured my dad, at my house, at 5:30 and me not being there. I thought, “He’s going to think that something happened to me,” and that was not okay.
Then I heard another gong and I thought “Oh no, it is 5 fifteen. What am I going to do? I have to not go to dokusan with Paul.” Then I thought, “Well, I can just go to dokusan with Paul and be present with it and say to him ‘I have to meet my dad- sorry, gotta go!”
Then I heard laughter again and I thought, “Okay, I just have to leave.” But then I couldn’t figure out how to leave. Lucy was gone. How could I tell Paul that I had to go, without walking in on his dokusan? Then I pictured Paul ringing his jingle bell when it was time for my doksuan and me not answering and him looking down at Lucy’s notebook and seeing the name Shannon and forever remembering “Ah, that’s the one who didn’t show up for dokusan.”
And then I saw Cynthia standing there and asked her, “What time is it?”
“Just a little after five,” she answered.
“Just a little?” I asked.
“Yeah, just a little,” she said. So I sat back down, and waited.
Finally, the door opened. Paul rang his bell, I rang my bell. I got up, walked toward Paul’s door and there, putting on his shoes, was my friend. He had a big smile on his face and he bowed deeply to me. I think it might have been his first dokusan with Paul, I don’t really know but I bowed deeply in return and felt really grateful that he had had a dokusan with Paul that was filled with laughter.
I did my best to be present for my dokusan with Paul but thoughts about what time it was and where my dad was kept jumping into my brain. I learned a lot from my doksuan but I also limited what I shared because I was afraid to start talking about anything that might turn into a long conversation and make me even later for my dad. I don’t know if Paul picked up on this or not. I felt bad later because Paul was definitely present for me during dokusan but I wasn’t totally present for my own dokusan.
As soon as dokusan was over, I ran downstairs and out the back door. I turned on my cellphone and grabbed my watch: 5:30, phew!
I called my dad, “Daddy? I’m running a little late.”
“You’re running a little late or I’m running a little late?” he asked.
“Are you running late?” I asked.
“Yes,” he answered. “I’m on Divisadero.” Yes! I thought. My dad, who is never late is running late- yes!
“I’m running late too,” I told him. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” And I was, and we made our dinner reservations and we made it to the symphony and I was present for the first set and it was beautiful. For the second set, I relived and analyzed my dokusan with Paul. Then I fell asleep. Then I woke up and we went home. I will never, ever, schedule a one-day-sit on the same day as anything else again.
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