Doh! The one thing I forgot...

There was only one thing that I had to buy at Trader Joe's today, and that was the only reason I went today instead of waiting until Saturday when I got home. Of course, Trader Joe’s was super crowded but I got in and out in pretty good time. I got home, emptied my bags, and was feeling good that I had gotten everything done- I was even looking forward to not having to go on Saturday. As I folded my laundry and packed for my trip I realized: the one thing I needed at Trader Joe’s (a gift card for my cousin) was the one thing I hadn’t gotten.

I started berating myself: How could you forget the one thing? Now you have to go back and it’s going to be super crowded. Now you have to move your car again. Why didn’t you write it down? This is such a pain in the butt.

Then I tried to improve my situation by making my second trip to Trader Joe’s more efficient. I figured out which would be the fastest one to go to, I combined it with other trips, I considered going to the Trader Joe’s near my uncle’s when we got there… but mostly, I was mad at myself for totally forgetting the one thing that I needed.

Then I tried to do what Paul said to do in dokusan: just experience what I was doing, not analyze it or judge it, just notice it. 

I notice that you expect things to work out perfectly.

I notice that you don’t expect yourself to make mistakes.

I notice that you expect yourself to remember everything.

I notice that you ignore the things you did do and focus instead on what you didn’t do.

I notice that you see the one thing that you didn’t do as being about 90% important.

I notice that you generalize this one error into a statement about you as a whole.

I can’t say noticing these things changed how annoyed I was with myself, but it did actually teach me quite a bit about myself. Paul had mentioned this in dokusan too. Sometimes, when we look at ourselves this way, it loosens things up a bit, opens us, and allows what was causing us suffering to kind of sink away into the background a bit. Other times, it can actually bring things up instead, and we kind of have to meet them face to face- eeek! In this case, it did feel like a loosening, like an awareness. I feel like maybe next time, I'll be more compassionate with myself instead of being so annoyed.