I give in Part 3: No peeking

On Saturday morning, I woke up, went to zazen, and came home. When I walked in the door, I realized that I had forgotten to put on my watch when I woke up that morning. “Ha!” I thought to myself. “Someday, I’ll be able to go through the day without wearing a watch! But not today….” Still, I waited to put my watch on and tried to “let go” of time for as long as I could.

I ate my breakfast, and, as I walked back to my room to get dressed to go grocery shopping, I passed the clock in the bathroom.  

“It won’t hurt to take a peek,” I thought. “Besides,” I continued. “I’m supposed to be aware of my relationship with time, not just avoid my issues with it altogether.”

So, I looked at the clock: 7:38. “Okay, normally I would rush so that I could get to Target when it opened, so that I could get to Trader Joe’s in time to shop to fill the time until Bed Bath and Beyond opens at 9 so that I can get back in time for 10AM lecture. But today I’m going to be aware of myself, know this, and, instead of rushing, drink my tea at home instead of while I drive.”

As I was drinking my tea, I was estimating how much time it was taking to drink it, then estimating how long it would take to drive to Target, what time I should leave Target to get to Trader Joe’s, how much time I had to shop at Trader Joe’s, and what time I should be leaving Bed Bath and Beyond in order to get home in time for lecture. All the while I was feeling like I was being aware of my issues with time.

I got in my car and looked at the clock. At Trader Joe’s, as I decided which line to stand in, I started to look at the clock but then remembered to just be in the moment, and took a deep breath instead. But then, as soon as I got in the car, I looked at the clock again. Then I sped through every light in Hayes Valley, thought about all the darn tourists and how they were taking my parking spots and making me late, and thought that if I just unloaded the perishables in my grocery bag, I might not be late. Finally, as I was parking the car, I just accepted that I would get to the zen center when I got to the zen center.

I was late to the zen center, but not so late that I missed anything. But I only knew I was late because of that first peek at the clock this morning. That little peek was what set in motion all those thoughts about time. I’m not saying I shouldn’t have peeked, I’m just saying that when I peeked, I peeked. I gave in. I didn’t look at the clock with awareness or inquiry, I looked at the clock within the same habit that I’ve always had: to gauge myself and my progress. And once I dipped my toe into that habit, it all came flooding in and made it that much harder for me to see myself and not be controlled by my habits and thoughts. I realized that you can’t just do this practice sometimes, you kind of have to do it all the time. Actually, you don’t have to do it at all, but if you want to be free from your thoughts and habits, you have to keep practicing all the time. Darn it!