Coulda brought the brownies...

So, I tried something this weekend: I tried to interrupt a habit of mine. It turns out, it didn't work. I think it didn't work because I was looking at the manifestation of the habit instead of the habit itself. Or maybe I was trying to change my conditions instead of just accepting them or even just investigating them. Actually, now that I really think about it, I think I was trying to deny who I was, who I am. That's not such a good idea, and I'll bet that if you wanted to do that, it would take a whole lot more than just not making brownies.
Basically, I didn't bring brownies to an event in the hope that by not bringing brownies, I would allow myself to just be a person, instead of  being a cool person who brings brownies. I was pretty intentional about breaking this habit so I was watching myself, my interactions with others, kind of looking for my identity. And it was funny, I had thought that by not bringing the brownies, I'd be kind of incognito, that somehow my self would just blend in with the rest of the group. But that didn't happen. As soon as I got to the event, I started watching myself and I immediately saw that there's a whole lot more to me than just a cool girl who makes brownies. It turns out that I am also the person who makes jokes, the person who tries to help out, the person who laughs really loud.  I'm sure that I am also a bunch of other people, that's just who I  saw in the initial moments. After that, I stopped watching because I realized how silly it was- to think that by not bringing brownies I could somehow suppress myself. Myself is myself is myself and it's going to show up no matter what and in full force. And honestly, I'm beginning to think that I need to spend a lot less time thinking about it.