Day 12: Thinking about thinking

I had mentioned in an earlier post that as things got more stressful for me, I was clinging more to my thoughts, actually believing that they would help improve my situation: "if I could just do this" or "once this is in place then...." But in reality, things only became less stressful for me when I finally decided that  the most important thing to do was to do what would support my practice: go to sleep on time.
But later, once I actually was relaxed and not so caught up in my thoughts, I thought about those thoughts  and realized that some of them were helpful. I discovered that if I entered the kids info online ahead of time, I could do their paperwork on the plane (where there was no internet access). I had also come up with a progression of lessons that I thought would help my struggling kids develop their number sense. This got me thinking about thinking and whether or not there is a place for thought in zen practice.
Looking at the situation I just described, I can see where an experienced zen person would say, "Yes, those thoughts appear to be helping you. You feel more organized and in control. But that is because you are operating in the conext of a delusion that organization and planning will allow you to control the future and that this will allow you to experience less suffering. These are delusions and will only lead to greater suffering." Conceptually speaking, I agree with the experienced zen person. But part of me also feels like thoughts like these won't necessarily lead to greater suffering. At first I thought that it was the kind of thoughts that I was having: productive thoughts or thoughts that lead to greater awareness of my self or the situation seemed okay because they weren't "worried" thoughts or "stressful" thoughts.. But now I'm beginning to think that it's actually the context in which I place these thoughts.
Many of the thoughts I had this week did bring me suffering. When I believed that getting certain things done would allow me to avoid extra work or uncomfortable situations, I simply experienced more stress, constantly attempting to change things that really were out of my control. But when I was thinking about organizing for my trip, it was more in the context of what made sense, of responding to the reality of the situation: internet at home but not on the plane. I'm still thinking about this one but right now it feels like there actually might be a place for thought or reflection in this practice, as long as its in the context of what it is: an awareness of the situation and a response to it rather than a practice of being caught up in thoughts or believing that they have the power to change things.